...:::'he chooses, calls, and picks':::...

"O Great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
Who looks past all of the things that others see
Those things that cause them to pass me by.
O Great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
Even when I am running from you
Even when I am hiding from you
Even when I dont want to be found.

O Great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
Who invites me into the work of eternity
after I have turned away yet again
Who comes to me after i have messed up yet again.
O Great God who chooses me
Even after i have chosen my will over yours.

I come knowing full well that I will still fun sometimes
Knowing in my heart of hearts that i am not
strong enough
or patient enough
or brave enough
or confident enough
to continue to go where you are leading
But knowing that-beyond all reason-
You are the great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
And right now, in this moment I lift my life to you in worship and in praise.

O Great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
Today I choose YOU."

///preparation///

I'm going to Africa! Yet, it still feels like a faded dream in the future that will never get here. But as I have looked at my Christmas Break and everything else, time goes so fast. I've been thinking and pondering about what will all go on next summer and everything that I will get to experience. I've been getting to know my teammates more and more through our blogs which is really exciting and makes me feel so anxious to go! I really hope we all connect well. I would assume that because of what we're doing- the Lord's work, that we will become like sisters and brothers in a flash. And I hope and pray this is what happens.

As I have read all our expectations of what we want to happen as a result of this missions trip, I realize that we are all connected even though we are complete strangers. It fascinates me extraordinarily of how God prepares many hearts for one goal- one mission. It's absolutely amazing and it has completely taken over my mind. As for me, I want to be completely broken through all my pride and selfishness and rebuilt and made new through my teammates and the Swazi people. I hope God uses- wait, I know God will use us. I hope we will make a difference and make a big impact on each other.

It's even still really hard to explain myself of what I desire in such an experience. So if I dont make sense, give me a break! :D

blessing

I love my family so much and wanted to share a couple great pictures. I am so thankful for such a great family and support system in my life. Thanks, Jesus.

...:::{He is great}:::...

Take, me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking

Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded

Chorus:
Come inside this heart of mine
It's not my own
Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it
All Your own
Welcome home

Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can

I took the space that You placed in me
Redecorated in shades of greed
And I made sure every door stayed locked
Every window blocked, and still You knocked

Take me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking

**This song came to my mind the other night suddenly. I knew I needed to listen to it because I couldn't remember how it actually went or what the lyrics were. It's written by Shaun Groves, "Welcome Home". The words are amazing and spoke to my heart in a deeper sense than I've ever gotten from this song before. I've been in real need of wanting God to heal me through a couple of my struggles that seem to creep up on me in the most ridiculous times. I've been learning that what is head knowledge and beliefs to me are sometimes only head knowledge and hasn't become completely a part of my heart yet. I was discussing this with a friend and I've realized this could be one of the hardest things we ever struggle with. And we know what we truly believe in our hearts compared to our heads because it'll show us through our trials, temptations, and tough challenges. What we truly believe will come out of us then. I know I have a lot of work to do- while I "let" God use His power inside of me as well. Like this song says "I took the space that You placed in me; Redecorated in shades of greed; And I made sure every door stayed locked; Every window blocked, and still You knocked." I think I have many of my windows shut and locked with maybe half a door open. Why isn't is so easy to open up everything and just let Jesus do what He came to do!?

I never thought of our "heart" as having halls, walls, doors, and windows. How many of our halls are empty? How many of the walls of security are standing up a little too strong? How many doors are open wide? Are our windows blocked?

It all makes sense! Come in a fill the halls with your presence. Occupy yourself in every room. Write yourself on the walls. Open up the doors with door stoppers- maybe nail them open!? Father, break the walls of shame, embarassment, pride, selfishness, and judgemental attitude DOWN. Instead, take over with your love, redemption and grace. Cover me with your peaceful Spirit and your calming presence. But the thing is that we can't do it on our own. We can't make it such a place that our Savior can. Only He can! That is what is so great about Him! If we try and fill our heart by ourselves, it will be full of mess and clutter and everything else of this world that has no eternal value or everlasting effect. It's time for a rennovation and a remodel...what do you say?

tough days

I have to admit that I haven't had the greatest time on my break off from school. For one thing, I don't really have a job to keep me busy, but doing house work for a lady in town a couple hours a week. The rest of the time I am either watching movies, reading, scrapping, working on a friend's wedding album, playin' around on facebook and email, writing new blogs, etc., you get the idea. It has been tough to not have a specific and detailed schedule everyday. It makes me life almost chaotic.

What's been bugging me the most is that I know I've been lacking spiritually. Not giving God my time. Being selfish. Letting flesh take over my life. It's so much easier to keep an appointment with my Father when I am in school- sounds crazy, but it is. It's probably been one of the toughest 2 weeks I've been through in the last 6 months. I am so ready to go back to school and challenge my thoughts as well as beliefs. I am so ready to be with my friends again and be able to share my heart with them. I can kind of call my dorm room "home"...in a sense that I don't feel like i have a set "home" right now through college.

Yes it is nice to be lazy for a couple days, but boy it just gets SOO old after a couple of days.

Not only am I ready to go back to school, but because the sooner school starts the sooner I will be on my way to Africa! What an absolute dream come true.

I LOVE YOU JESUS!

...:::^perfect.love^:::...

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone
To have a deep soul relationship with another
Be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says:
I want you to be satisfied, fulfilled, and content
With being loved by Me alone
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the best human relationship
That I have planned for you.

I want you to be united with another after you are united with Me
Exclusive of anyone of anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing
One that you cannot imagine
I want you to have the best
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, trusting Me
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.

Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things
Others have gotten or that I've given them.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking off and up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than any you would dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready,
(I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me.
And this is the Perfect Love.

And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty,
perfection, and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I am God.
Believe and be satisfied.

-author and original title unknown

...'thoughts'...

When I started thinking about more opportunities to serve on a mission trip for next summer, I began looking into South Africa. You may ask 'Why?' I really don't know. The people, the culture, the land gives me a passion that is only from the One. I wanted to work there through another missions organization, but they didn't have a group going out there, and therefore decided I didn't want to fly by myself overseas with little experience flying. This was at the beginning of my new semester @ Grace and I didn't have too many strong friendships yet. I began talking to my cousin's friend who had served in Jeffery's Bay, South Africa for a month through Adventures in Missions. I searched the site for upcoming mission trips next summer: Kenya and Swaziland were available. I honestly had never even heard of Swaziland and began talking about it with Michenzie, Emily's friend. "I want the whole experience", I told her. "I want the cold showers, sleeping on the floors, eating rice for every meal of the day..." I hear about others sleeping in tents for a good 9 months out of the year living like this: testing their faith, relying on the Lord, being dependent on everything God has given them, etc. I want that. It's been my sole desire for quite some time. When will it be my turn to serve the most High in Africa, where people are desperate for hope and something with purpose; where people are drenched in their habitual sin and making the devil smile with laughter. They need us. They need God. They need God through us. My one goal in life is to touch people's lives; I want God to touch their lives through me; I want God to further His Kingdom and save lives, as He desires to, through me, His servant.

I don't know if I'm ready for Swaziland. It still feels like a dream. A small planning of a trip clear ahead in the distance that really isn't going to happen. I'm going to AFRICA! What is amazing is that I haven't found real confirmation/assurance from God Himself that He wants to send me there...until now. I have been raising support for probably not quite 2 months and I am almost half way to my goal. JESUS YOU'RE INCREDIBLE! How does He do it? Why does He bless us so unexpectedly and patiently. I am just so shocked, and more amazed each and every day. I felt God pick me up and hold me in His arms today during the service. It was communion; the piano was played; I was in conversation with my Father; I felt His arms holding me up telling me how much He loves me.

You might ask what am I most afraid about? The suffering. The dying AIDS-victims. Seeing them hold onto their life with no medical help (hardly), and little, if any, people to love and care for them. How am I going to make it through such an experience/sight? This was my original dream, as a nurse of course. Now, I can't imagine I will be amidst this.

...::...More thoughts to come...::...