fighting

I've discovered that depression can be a complete physical thing or maybe its more of a spiritual thing. Well, I've come up with both for me. It's physical because of the chemical imbalance of seratonin and norepeniphrine. But it's spiritual because it's very much a "mind" game. Satan likes to use this to keep people distracted from what God wants them to do to be of service to others. I don't believe God gives it to us, but He allows it to happen so that we draw closer to Him, we are strengthened, and who knows maybe someday I will be used because of what I've gone through. It's a day-to-day sort of thing. It's not i have a "bad week", its more like i had a bad day and then a good day. I've discovered the one thing Satan is doing in my life is trying to keep me down telling myself I am no good and could never do mission work. He is keeping me down so that I will not go, anything to keep me from serving the Lord with all my heart. At first, it's easy to buy into, but after going through it once already I decided I am going to fight it. I know exactly how it affects me. I'm not sure why it came on now. Whether it's seasonal, it runs in my family, and I think alot of it has to do with still dealing with re-entry and not being where my heart is. I can't believe how much it has affected me. I'm getting through it and still trusting in where the Lord is leading me. He knows what He's doing...I really have no idea, and I'd rather trust Him than myself since I don't know everything.

This week has been such a bland week. Nothing exciting has happened. I haven't been hearing God's voice very clearly but all I get is "wait"...."wait on Me". Sometimes I just get tired of that "w" word. Why is it always "wait" in my life? Selfish I am, yes. Individualistic I am, yes. Lord I am so ashamed of my arrogance, my self-centeredness and my life wanting "all about me". But today, I just want to be invisible. I just want to go back to bed and hide under my covers. No one bother me. School gets into such a boring routine. Every Monday is the same. Every Thursday is the same, you get the picture. Nothing different. I want change! And it couldn't come any faster! February is right around the corner and that will be change, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for that either. I feel like I've just been hit with a "quiet" season in the Lord. He's there but He's silent now. Lord I need You. I have so much going on this week. A paper I want to be meaningful and I have no ideas for it. A speaking session to junior high kids about my testimony and call to missions and on Swaziland and I'm not prepared yet.

just make me invisible Lord, please

For My Love---Bethany Dillon

My new favorite song :) Of course as a romance song with my Savior

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love

surrender all of it

The process of surrendering it all....

I'm not sure of how I feel about that at this moment. I've come to an understanding that we cannot be fully satisfied and filled with Christ until we surrender everything to Him. Not surrender in the way most people think---if i give this up now, you better give it back to me later. No. We are surrendering. Giving it up even if we don't get it back. I'm in the process of studying and surrendering an area of my life each week. Everything is included...you name it. Don't forget to ask God to reveal to you other areas as well; He did that immediately with me and these are just the few areas of my life-long process of surrendering ahead of me: friends, family, marriage, decisions, dreams, the mission field, etc.

This is just the beginning...stay updated for more :)