moving forward

So I have been back since the 30th of July.  We stopped in Paris for our debriefing and a couple of days of sightseeing and relaxing before heading home.  Hearing about and listening to the re-entry/reverse culture shock back in to the States scares me a bit.  Re-entry is always harder than culture shock into a whole new culture.  Somehow it's harder to function here and care about the same things that the general American population cares about.  Everything I've seen, learned, heard, experienced, loved is still in my heart and soul but now I'm in a new place.  My new family and friends I made in Mali are not here with me, more than anything I want to be there with them.  It's so hard to process and think about all of it without completely melting down.  If I would have been done with school, I would have stayed longer.  I dreaded leaving.  The last week or so before we left I was up at 8am every morning wanting to be with the Malians as long as possible because the ending was coming, I especially wanted to be with my little boy Le Vieux.  I miss him like crazy.  I think about those nights where I rocked him to sleep by walking around the compound in the dark where there was no lights or noise.  I think about laughing at him on those days where he thought every stinkin' thing was so funny.  I miss holding him and seeing him sleep in my bed.  I miss kissing his face.  I miss feeling like a real momma, something that I desire so badly.  I miss everything.  Its so hard to concentrate on day to day things, when all I'm doing is reliving my memories and thinking of what they are doing at that moment.  The hardest part is thinking everything through and processing all of it, because of the pain of being here and not there.  It's easier to just put them out of my mind, in some ways, but I don't want to.