come to the Living Water and you'll thirst no more

Life is so frustrating and complicated sometimes. I was soo excited to move back into school, but I now discovered it was because I missed my friends. I don't think it was because I wanted to actually move back here. The days have been really unusually slow with nothing to do. Homework hasn't picked up yet, and at the moment I feel like I'm wasting my life. It's hard after coming back from Africa and trying to pick up where I left off here in America. And I've only been gone for 2 months...imagine what it will do to me to be gone 6 months in Mali...am I able to even come back?! But its such a strange feeling. I finally began to call Omaha "home" too and after getting back here, or even being in the states in general, I feel disconnected like this isn't my home nor do I fit into the wealthy American Christian life anymore. I'm so sick of it. I know that my home is not on this earth but waiting for me in eternity with Jesus Christ. Something is missing though. Even though many times I don't feel like I was changed this summer, I feel that missing piece. I'm not enjoying being back at school with my friends- sure I love them, but I love the Lord more and I want to please Him more. I have such a thirst and desire to follow God and to listen to His voice, but its soo hard to hear Him HERE. Why is that? Even the convictions are huge- going to walmart to buy needless things, eating out and spending $10 on a meal which could feed a family a couple nights I'm sure, and just spending money on anything like it doesn't matter. I try and tell myself it doesn't matter and its not that big of deal because thats just how American economy and culture runs...but I'm done with excuses. God is doing something inside of me and I can't figure it out. He's made me uncomfortable here. I want to be uncomfortable there. This gets a little confusing and you may not understand, but I am sick of being comfortable in the states...uncomfortableness has become a small part of my life I want to keep on living in. Even though this is comfortable America, I'm not comfortable here b/c I want more. In the desires and passions God has placed in my heart, I feel as if I stay in America, I'm settling....and I can't settle. I DON'T WANT THAT! And, I can't take it. I am not putting down those who want to stay in America...God does call EVERY BELIEVER to "GO" and make Disciples but whether that means overseas or here in their hometown...and every person who does go overseas isn't always called to "stay" there either. I'm so glad i'm going back to Africa in February...I might be able to make it until then...I hate feeling like something is missing in my life, in my heart, in my soul, yet I can't figure out what it is. It has gotten to the point where i'm just plain frustrated and mad. Am I mad at myself or at the world? What am I really mad about? How can I make it through this semester without taking my own frustrations God has let me struggle with and grow through and not taken them out on my friends and everyone else around me? At this point, I am just so unhappy.

God just quiet my heart again and speak to me. Show me how I can find you in a world of distractions, wealth, and ungodliness. You deserve so much more because You are so worthy! YOUR beauty makes me stand in silence...

TOMS

Yes, I know what you are thinking. "I WANT A PAIR OF THOSE"...well check 'em out at (click on the link in the title)...When you buy one pair, they give one to a child in need---ONE FOR ONE...its such a good cause and they are sooo cute. I also ordered a pair of dark grey canvas shoes as well. They are a bit pricey but so worth it. And I took a picture of them...hehe I guess I'm a photographer at heart :) hehe

emotions

I just about lost it last night. Even though I have been editing my pictures and looking at all of them multiple times for over a week now, I crumbled within a couple minutes. I was on facebook for quite a while last night because I had nothing to do but stuff to get done on the computer so I let anyone talk to me. I finally put up some of my favorite pictures of the children I had become close to. Friends began commenting on them and I was in a few conversations about being there as well. A friend had told me what a blessing I was to be in her life, and I was thinking back to being over there by running the motions of each step through my mind. The tears began to flow. I decided to go to bed not too long after and couldn't take a hold on my emotions. Everything hit me- the joy, the smiles I still see on their faces, their torn clothing, the smell, their unbathed bodies, their malnourished stomachs, their giggles and singing songs, when a child knew "Jesus loves me" and thats the only way we connected, the injustice of the world, the brokenness that is everywhere, feeling what Christ really feels in what happens to His children, the atmosphere, the driven passion to follow God anywhere, and the hope that Jesus still does what He says and holds all His children in His hands.

I can't imagine living any other way. How sweet the love of Jesus to take our place, die for us, give us the chance to be connected to His Father, and still want to personally be involved in each one of our lives even though we rebel against Him and will always through our sinful nature.

"Kindness" by Chris Tomlin

Open up the skies of mercy

And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise
Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise

It's Your kindness Lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor Lord, is our desire
It's Your beauty Lord that makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life

We can feel
Your mercy falling
You are turnin our hearts back again
Hear our praises rise to heaven
Draw us near Lord
Meet us here

Chorus


[Prayer]
Lord,
We stand here,
As the desperate people
Hungry for the things of You
Come quiet the storms,
That rage all around us
So that we
hear the passion that beats through your heart
Spirit put healing in our hands
Put life in our words
And drive a passion
For the lost deep
In the hearts of your people
Inhabit the praises of us
Through children
And father send us out

With a reckless passion
Deliver us from evil
And set a standard of unity
To break down laws
And to heal Your people
Unity is the cry of your church, Lord
Reconsile the children to the fathers
And with forgiveness and mercy
Rush through the hearts of our land
We cry out our deep need for You, Jesus
Oh God come in power and bring glory to Your Name

**It gets me everytime. "It's your beauty Lord that makes us stand in silence"...the line right there makes me speechless and again reminds me how much thirst I have for the Most High King, giving me more of His desires and passions everyday, showing me what breaks His heart, and guiding me with every footstep.

Photo Album

So if you would like to see a little bit of what I have been up to this summer, check out this photo album. A little bit of everything. I'm sure I will add more pics to it as time allows, and possibly add more links to albums in the future! Enjoy! :)

(You may have to get a snapfish account as well to view)

http://www2.snapfish.com/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=1868935013/a=87189390_87189390/

the moments you long to be back where your heart is

Even after being home for three days, God reminds me over and over where my heart is at. I still don't see the change He has done in me, but I also haven't been doing anything active yet. At the moment I'm editing my thousands of pictures, preparing my presentations, and writing my next mission support letter. I don't think I even brought it home with me. God continues to confirm to me over and over that the mission field is where He is planning on leading me. He keeps on opening up doors and showing me His footsteps to follow closely behind. I play the faces and the smiles in my mind over and over like its a permanent video. The kids screaming and running after bubbles likes its candy, or "if you want to play make a big circle," and then of course the moment that always fills me up- when I can pick up a child, or he/she comes to sit on my lap and just hold them until they fall asleep. It happened so many times, but there was one girl who really hit me deep. I don't know her name because she was so shy and wouldn't respond, but she was content with sleeping on my lap. (Alot of the younger ones have never seen white people before and many of them just end up crying or walking away). The photo below is one of my teammates Becca, who was in my small ministry group to this specific carepoint. Check out the video of the kiddos going crazy for the bubbles!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94BTZJr0myk