Life is so frustrating and complicated sometimes. I was soo excited to move back into school, but I now discovered it was because I missed my friends. I don't think it was because I wanted to actually move back here. The days have been really unusually slow with nothing to do. Homework hasn't picked up yet, and at the moment I feel like I'm wasting my life. It's hard after coming back from Africa and trying to pick up where I left off here in America. And I've only been gone for 2 months...imagine what it will do to me to be gone 6 months in Mali...am I able to even come back?! But its such a strange feeling. I finally began to call Omaha "home" too and after getting back here, or even being in the states in general, I feel disconnected like this isn't my home nor do I fit into the wealthy American Christian life anymore. I'm so sick of it. I know that my home is not on this earth but waiting for me in eternity with Jesus Christ. Something is missing though. Even though many times I don't feel like I was changed this summer, I feel that missing piece. I'm not enjoying being back at school with my friends- sure I love them, but I love the Lord more and I want to please Him more. I have such a thirst and desire to follow God and to listen to His voice, but its soo hard to hear Him HERE. Why is that? Even the convictions are huge- going to walmart to buy needless things, eating out and spending $10 on a meal which could feed a family a couple nights I'm sure, and just spending money on anything like it doesn't matter. I try and tell myself it doesn't matter and its not that big of deal because thats just how American economy and culture runs...but I'm done with excuses. God is doing something inside of me and I can't figure it out. He's made me uncomfortable here. I want to be uncomfortable there. This gets a little confusing and you may not understand, but I am sick of being comfortable in the states...uncomfortableness has become a small part of my life I want to keep on living in. Even though this is comfortable America, I'm not comfortable here b/c I want more. In the desires and passions God has placed in my heart, I feel as if I stay in America, I'm settling....and I can't settle. I DON'T WANT THAT! And, I can't take it. I am not putting down those who want to stay in America...God does call EVERY BELIEVER to "GO" and make Disciples but whether that means overseas or here in their hometown...and every person who does go overseas isn't always called to "stay" there either. I'm so glad i'm going back to Africa in February...I might be able to make it until then...I hate feeling like something is missing in my life, in my heart, in my soul, yet I can't figure out what it is. It has gotten to the point where i'm just plain frustrated and mad. Am I mad at myself or at the world? What am I really mad about? How can I make it through this semester without taking my own frustrations God has let me struggle with and grow through and not taken them out on my friends and everyone else around me? At this point, I am just so unhappy.
God just quiet my heart again and speak to me. Show me how I can find you in a world of distractions, wealth, and ungodliness. You deserve so much more because You are so worthy! YOUR beauty makes me stand in silence...
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