...life...

Life is complicated. We are blessed and we struggle. We love and we feel jealousy. I hate how I always think I'm becoming stronger through Christ in myself, but then it comes out to mean "I think I'm better than everyone else". Which I know is not true. It's so hard to not to judge people, but just to love them despite their faults.

I've been blessed so many times this year, and yet my friends are hurting, and it hurts me so much because all I want to do is help them. I have been blessed through christian friendships- the real deal. Those who support me and lift me up when I'm struggling. Those who love me for who I am in Christ. Those who pray with me and praise God for the amazing things He does in our lives each and everyday throughout all the students here on campus. I have been blessed with an AMAZING opportunity to serve the Swazi people next summer. Something I have always dreamed of, now God I'm relying on you to make it happen.

Ever since I've started college, 1 1/2 yrs ago, I have noticed an empty feeling inside of myself. Those who read this probably know me well, because most don't even know I have a blog (ha). Well, anyways, so I grew up without a father (and brother passed away as well), something that grows deeper everytime i hear one of my friends talk about their dad and how they miss him and always sit on his lap and just talk. Alot of students here are close to their fathers. Now, I do have a father-figure in my life right now. But I didn't for around 8 years, which is probably when I needed one the most. This is why I feel like something is missing. Is it me or is it the fact that because I didn't grow up with a father, I missed out on that connection we're supposed to have with the opposite sex. I'm not talking about dating; I'm talking about everyday conversations and friendships. Why exactly it is this way? I'm not sure at all...I have been searching and seeking for an answer but have not found one. So, guys, bare with me. Don't get me wrong though, I have a wonderful step-father who supports my family in every way possible and I am so grateful for him in our life, but if he would have been there when I was five, maybe things would have turned out differently. Yet, isn't that questioning God's will? God's plan? His reason, His perfect time, His perfect ways?

Wow, I can't believe I just shared all this out loud on my blog for everybody to see.

Well, for now, I should probably head to bed.