the passion within

moving forward

2010-08-03T18:54:00.000-05:00

So I have been back since the 30th of July. We stopped in Paris for our debriefing and a couple of days of sightseeing and relaxing before heading home. Hearing about and listening to the re-entry/reverse culture shock back in to the States scares me a bit. Re-entry is always harder than culture shock into a whole new culture. Somehow it's harder to function here and care about the same things that the general American population cares about. Everything I've seen, learned, heard, experienced, loved is still in my heart and soul but now I'm in a new place. My new family and friends I made in Mali are not here with me, more than anything I want to be there with them. It's so hard to process and think about all of it without completely melting down. If I would have been done with school, I would have stayed longer. I dreaded leaving. The last week or so before we left I was up at 8am every morning wanting to be with the Malians as long as possible because the ending was coming, I especially wanted to be with my little boy Le Vieux. I miss him like crazy. I think about those nights where I rocked him to sleep by walking around the compound in the dark where there was no lights or noise. I think about laughing at him on those days where he thought every stinkin' thing was so funny. I miss holding him and seeing him sleep in my bed. I miss kissing his face. I miss feeling like a real momma, something that I desire so badly. I miss everything. Its so hard to concentrate on day to day things, when all I'm doing is reliving my memories and thinking of what they are doing at that moment. The hardest part is thinking everything through and processing all of it, because of the pain of being here and not there. It's easier to just put them out of my mind, in some ways, but I don't want to.

the finish line

2010-07-05T05:45:00.000-05:00

With only about 3 weeks left in Mali (less than three at our home in Bougouni) my attitude and perspective has changed alot. Now longer am I tired of our routine here or just want to go home. Instead I have really been appreciating every last experience we get. Right now I cannot see how this lifestyle has affected me, but when I picture myself at home, I picture myself feeling totally out of place and wanting to do things at home "Malian style" as I have learned here. More than anything I miss my family and friends, but thats it. Yes I do miss familiar things and understanding the language from every person around me (almost) but I don't miss it so much that I don't ever want to come back to another country. Through the difficulties here, I've become doubtful of where God has placed me. Satan has a way of using such situations to bring us down. But everytime I got through them, my heart was lifted again (by prayers across the ocean) and I was certain this is where God wants me. He wants me in Africa ministering to children. I don't know how yet. More than anything, I don't think I want to necessarily work in an orphange like I thought I did, but instead I want to buy a house and take children in who are abandoned and no one wants them. I want to be their example of Christ, maybe the only one they'll ever know. I want to empower them to be all they can be through Christ, that they are not worthless but they are worth everything in the Lord's eyes. I've been looking through AIM for what I can do after I graduate in one year. I know God has something for me to serve Him.

I've been thinking alot about my future and what I'm going to do, when my mom sent me a message that she had thought of me when she was doing her devotions. She gave me a verse in Hebrews that tells us to keep our eyes on Jesus only, not the path we are following or how we are going to get there but learn who Jesus is and stay intimately close to Him. I've heard this so many times, but at some moments some words just really hit you hard. Spiritually speaking, it has been rough here and I haven't given my time to God like I need to. I can feel Him calling me back to Him, which is where I'm going to start over again, now. Thank Jesus for new chances all the time.

Just One.

2010-06-23T14:51:00.004-05:00

Some people talk about hunger, but they don't come and say, "Mother, here are five rupees. Buy food for these people." But they can give a most beautiful lecture on hunger.

I had the most extraordinary experience once in Bombay. There was a big conference about hunger. I was supposed to go to that meeting and I lost the way. Suddenly I came to that place, and right in front of the door to where hundreds of people were talking about food and hunger, I found a dying man.

I took him out and I took him home.

He died there.

He died of hunger.

And the people inside were talking about how in fifteen years we will have so much food, so much this, so much that, and that man died.

See the difference?

I never look at the masses as my responsibility. I look at the individual. I can love only one person at a time. I can feed only one person at a time.

Just One. One. One.

You get closer to Christ by coming closer to each other. As Jesus said, " Whatever you do to the least of my brethren, you do to me."

So you begin.... and I begin.

I picked up one person.

Maybe if I hadn't picked up that one person I wouldn't have picked up 42,000. The whole work is only a drop in the ocean. But if I didn't put the drop in, the ocean would be one drop less.

Same thing for you.

Same thing for your family.

Same thing in the church where you go.

Just begin.... One. One. One.

At the end of life, we will not be judge by
how many diplomas we have received
how much money we have made
how many great things we have done;

We will be judged by this:

"I was hungry and you gave me to eat. I was naked and you clothed me. I was homeless and you took me in."

Hungry not for bread - but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing - but naked of human dignity and respect. Homeless not only for want of a room of bricks - but homeless because of rejection.

This is Christ in distressing disguise.

Mother Teresa

a wedding and a child dedication

2010-06-20T10:47:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Fatoumata's wedding. She has grown up living with Uncle Joseph and Tante Marte (as a niece) but has become basically their child because of a bad situation with her parents. I can't imagine how many feelings she was having Friday night and Saturday morning. She must have been excited and nervous and happy to get married but i'm sure sad to leave her family and place she has known for a very long time. The thing with Malian weddings is that when they get married they don't hardly know each other. He is from a village quite a ways away, so she has probably only talked to him in person a couple times. What we do in the States is ask a person to go out with us or date when we are interested in them. Here it's not dating it is asking them to marry and become a fiance. It is different. They cannot be alone together because it is a big temptation for both of them, as they say. I can understand that, but I could not imagine marrying a man I barely knew. The wedding was beautiful. The choir was singing for a while ahead of time. Then here comes a big long line of choir members, pastors, men beating drums, women singing, and Fatoumata in her wedding dress with the veil covering her face and Jeremy next to her. During the wedding, they sat up front next to each other with a best man/woman on both sides. They didn't hardly look around much but sit still look at the people sitting down and once in a while maybe smile. I could tell Fatoumata was really nervous though. So the 3 1/2 hour service was filled with preaching and singing and then finally Uncle Joseph married them with the rings, prayer, and a first kiss that I know she was taken aback by!

Le Vieux, my baby, ha, was dedicated in church today which was very exciting. I pray for him and that he would grow up to be a man of God and that by his parents growing closer together in love for each other, he would have a great example to follow.

another trip

2010-06-12T15:37:00.000-05:00

This weekend was great! Not only was I feeling better after being sick for a while, but I could definitely feel the prayers coming my way as my mom had mentioned. By Thursday night I was very joyful and so happy I was still in Mali. Bad circumstances seem to make everything look bad. I'm so glad I don't make important decisions when I'm feeling so bad. Thank you to all of you. I am feeling much better and have most of my energy and appetite back, now I just need to continually eat more to gain weight back. We visited a couple of villages about 4-5 hours away and it was very good to go somewhere else and meet new people. We stayed with Pastor Marka and his family the first night. He graduated from IBR just last year, so our intern, Sharon, knew him very well. The second night we stayed in Bamako at the EEBM guest house (as we have before). We went out to eat that night and then found ourselves studying for our oral final exam with our professor for the next morning. Once that was finished on Saturday, we went to the Artisan in Bamako which is where all the African jewelry, boxes, canvases, paintings, etc. is made. I'm terrible at bargaining because first of all you can hardly look around without them bothering you, and then you have to literally leave the place for them to stop talking to you, even after that we had a drunk man following us and continually saying "What do you want? I am sorry. I will give you the best prices...you are my friend...blah blah." At the end of the trip, me and Christian had to ride in the hot trunk in the back of the truck to get home because it only holds so many people in the front. It was quite amusing and we had alot of people smiling and waving at us. This is something a Malian would do, not an American, typically.

how satan discourages believers

2010-06-08T16:56:00.000-05:00

So the past two weeks haven't exactly been a joyous ride. First I started out with a sore throat. It became worse and I knew I needed to go to the clinic because I could hardly swallow anything and my throat was full of red splotches and white dots. I still dont know if it was strep exactly. I went on antibiotics for a couple days and it was gone almost immediately. In another couple of days, it came back. I was a bit frustrated at this point because this was highly unexpected or needed. I went to the clinic again and they decided that they should give me antibiotics through an IV instead. I thought they were exaggerating for a sore throat but I let them do what they do. I did about three different dosages in two days for my throat. It took a little bit longer to go away this time and I was a bit worried, and a bit critical and judgmental towards the doctors here (or the Malian culture in general).

Fast forward to another half week later, I woke up and felt like i was hit by a truck. My body was so so exhausted and tired and I could hardly stand up and walk around. I wanted to sleep and lay down and couldn't wake up whatsoever. I took my temperature just to check and it ended up being a low fever. Uncle Joseph took me back to the clinic and they told me I had no fever (armpit vs. mouth). He said I was fine, until he took my blood pressure. It was 10/6 or (100/60). This is lower than normal especially for me. Apparently my body was very weak and that is why I was not able to move well or have any energy whatsoever. I hadn't eaten anything that day (it was just early afternoon) because I woke up late and wasn't hungry. They decided to put me on an IV for nutrition and other things. Even though my blood test for malaria came out negative, it can do that sometimes, there was a possibility I might have had a germ or so from that as well. So the assistant came to our house on the compound so I could lay on our couch and gave me the IV. The first two bags went really fast. The last one was big and only dripped every 3 seconds or so. It took all night to finish and I was sick of it. (Of course along with the IV I had terrible diarrhea, I know you wanted to know this!) Uncle Joseph made me eat, so I ate a couple bananas and maybe about an hour or so later I threw it all up. This wasn't the first time. They continually pushed me to eat because I had too much medication in my body and no food, but it frustrated me because even though they were telling me to eat because it was the right thing, I was still continually throwing it up a bit later! I was so miserable, and with no food in my body I couldn't even walk in the house by myself. When I immediately stood up, everything turned black and they literally had to haul me to the bathroom. At one point I blacked out and when I opened my eyes I was already down the hall and had puked all over my arm and the floor. How embarrassing in front of everyone. Uncle Joseph continually pushed me to eat as he would remind me about every 5 minutes to eat more, take more, put this in your mouth, you need more. Finally because of my throwing up, he went and bought me some medication to stop my body from resisting the food. It did its job but wow did that medicine burn in my veins! Marie (Matthew's mom) was there the whole time with me and she was so affectionate toward me. I feel like we have a great connection and it meant so much for her to sit with me on my bed and pull my hair back, rub my back, etc.

So the next day was Sunday. The assistant came at 9 to give me to the second dosage of meds but Uncle Joseph had called the doctor to explain what had happened last night. He wanted us to come back into the clinic, so we did. He did another quick physical exam on me and then gave me the anti-vomiting medicine again. It made me dizzy this time so I had to lay down. Then they checked me weight. Wow, I could not believe that I have lost 20+ lbs since February. Especially, off of my body, because thats the last thing I need. I have been very discouraged about this since. So I was given the same meds again through my IV and ate before they went through. This time things were going well. I had eaten chicken noodle soup, jello, small crackers...etc...then I had a drink of Fanta (bad idea) and up came everything I had just eaten. "Wow that was alot of work" I thought. "Now I have to eat all that over again!" The rest of the day sailed on slowly and I laid on my bed all day watching movies because I was so energy-less, my body was completely dead and I looked like it too. The next day I only went to the second half of class and then stayed inside much of the afternoon afterwards. Today I have felt so much better and I know its because of my family and friends in Christ i have on the other side of this planet!

Now I am just struggling with being content with where I'm at. Emotionally I am miserable and know Mali isn't where I will live in the future. Satan is good at taking me passions and desires and twisting them to make them look evil and miserable. How dare he! Mentally exhausted because of our homework and how hard it is to do in such a negative state of mind and body. Also, my body says "eat" but I say nothing sounds good, nothing tastes good (not even junk food), I dont have an appetite, blah blah, but I can't stand the fact that I've lost so much.

Thank you all for the support and prayer. (This is a bit detailed!)

jouer au foot

2010-05-18T11:52:00.002-05:00

On Sunday afternoon, a couple of us went to the soccer game over by the other church in town that IBR is with. It was great to be able to get away from our house and do something different. The game was between IBR and Torakabougou, but we lost again. But this time it was 5-2 because we were actually really loud and cheering for our team. These are just a few of the photos that I took that afternoon. It was super hot and exhausting so we sat in the shade under a huge tree, and drank their water when ours was gone (I hope I don't get typhoid again)! (ha) Since being in culture shock it has been harder to find the motivation to actually want to go out and do things so because I felt really good, it was a pretty darn good day. Then Sunday night, the electricity kept on going off and on and off and on. There was no electricity all night and therefore no fans. There are a few times where we actually slept inside with no fans, but we were tired of it...real tired of it, so we all piled our mattresses outside on our front porch and slept till 6 am and then moved inside and the fans were back on then. Last night, the same thing happened. Everyone was frustrated, even the students and Uncle Joseph. But we didn't bet it would stay on all night so we all tied our mosquito nets outside and moved our beds out too. It was so nice that night, except for hearing the donkeys and roosters right next to our porch! It's true that when you are use to something and don't have it, it changes alot of things and can be very frustrated...like electricity. Its hard when the water is turned off for a period of time as well. Then I remember how thankful I have it here when it is all back on.

Remember, to be grateful for everything you have, no matter where you live!

Photos above: Me, Abel, Michenzie; Courtney and Kadiatou- Court is trying to learn to drive the moto

more thoughts

2010-05-15T08:27:00.000-05:00

So I have been going a bit crazy lately. The other night I had another dream where I had a baby. Most of it was very unrealistic and couldn't happen in reality but the part of it that felt so real made me almost be able to feel what it's like to have your own child. I woke up and couldn't stop thinking about what it's like to hold the child you held for 9 months in your belly, and to then see her and say "she's mine". It's kind of a crazy thing. And the more I find myself filled with passion for children, the more dreams and other things come up.

Somehow I know that children are in my future...somehow...

We've also recently hit culture shock. The weird thing is, most people don't know they're in it and don't recognize it, so our professor was surprised. But we talk about culture shock so much as we are trying to relate and live in an African culture, and we taught that at our 3 month mark everything would start changing. And, it has. We become more irritated with little things, people bother us, I want to sleep more than anything, I'd rather stay inside somedays, I find it really hard to be motivated to do anything, we are very "bored", homework is so much harder to do and we end up turning it in days late because we have no motivation, and then again the heat doesn't help still.

In many ways it sucks, and I wonder why I'm here. But I don't wish I was at home, because this is where God called me to be at this time and I want to be all here, all of me. But in the end, and overall, I know I am learning alot and growing and it is going to be a GREAT experience and foundation for whatever I do later after graduation. The edge program is very unique and I've never seen another program like this before. We're learning how to live in community even if we don't like each other. We're learning that we aren't just visiting here but we're actually living life here. We find that everything we experience and see through our own cultural view, is completely different to what the Malians and seeing through their culture. There's so much to learn about a culture before you start presenting the gospel respectfully. It seems overwhelming to me, but when I continue to remind myself that I'm doing it for the glory of the Lord, everything is joyful again.

I continue to love the relationships we are building here. And if I miss anything, it's not where we live, it's not what it looks like, or the other small things, but it is the people.

Thank you to those who read this, its encouraging to me.

special treatment

2010-05-01T14:18:00.000-05:00

Today at our "malian" picnic, I had some more unrestful feelings come up, as well as the team did. As an American, many countries (I don't think all) are given privilege. We are given sort of a special treatment in whatever we do, in many ways. Today especially sort of bugged me. We went to the picnic in this small van that packed in over 20 people sitting on wood benches in the back of the van. It was so much fun and I was laughing so hard I was crying, and all the girls were asking me why I was crying! Every time we hit a bump, our wooden bench would come up or move so we started going forward onto the people from the other side. It was very interesting. We loved it!

When we left, we were given privilege to leave first (I think its because we also looked really exhausted), but they had this nice 4-door pickup Toyota (i think) for us to ride back in. I'm talking, an American pickup, except it was stick. The thing is, we didn't want that, that was to easy for us. Instead we wanted to ride in the van with all the others.

Another issue that has bugged me a bit is that because we are Americans, we are considered "rich" of course, so when big events happen like this they expect us to pay more than our share! So for gas to get us to the picnic, they made us 4 toubabs (white person) pay for HALF of the total gas out of all the 20-30+ people! In many cases we find people asking us to pitch in or to help this person, but its more of an expectation that we will, not just a question of "you don't have to, but you can't".

At first it wasn't a big deal, because yes we have alot more money than them, but then again we are on a strict budget as a team (according to what we raised) and barely have any money left at the end of the month to buy groceries. It has become more irritating now, as it continues to happen in small ways. Because of the language barrier with some people as well, we sometimes don't have a choice in what we say and end up going with the flow.

?Have We No Rights?

2010-04-11T13:34:00.000-05:00

So for class we have to read a book called "Have We No Rights?" Basically, when one is on the mission field, as an American we think we have many rights- rights to comfort, privacy, time, etc. The next few days I will continue to post some great stuff I really enjoyed from the book! It is soo practical for every missionary.

A standard of living. What does that amount to? How important is it really? Does it matter if we sleep on the floor or in a bed? Does it matter if we eat with spoons or our fingers; wear silk or cotton; if we are poor or rich; eat rice or potatoes for dinner? Does it matter if we live in the way we are accustomed or adopt the way of living of those to whom we go?

It may matter to us. But what should be our attitude on the field? Should we try to conform to the way of life of the people as much as possible? "When we have become familiar with how they eat, how they sleep, how they work, how they play, what they like, what they dislike, what they hope, what they fear, how they think, how they feel- when we really understand them, then, and only then, will we be able to present the Gospel to them in an adequate way."

"I would love to live as the native do, if only I could; but I just can't take it!" Many say. We can gradually get used to things (over years time).

Other people's ways, standards, customs--do we want to like them? Or do we cling to our own because ours are "better?"

Right to Privacy:

"How can you find quiet time to even pray?"
"When things get too much for me, I just throw my apron over my head and I am all alone with the LORD."

How did Jesus react when He wanted to be alone but wherever He went there were multitudes? Was their anger in His heart? No, He welcomed them (Luke 9:11).

"If we belong to the day, if we are children of the light, why should any act of ours, or anything belonging to us, need to be hidden in the dark?"

"Let us remember, that people must come to know us before they can accept our message, or before our testimony has any value to them. Why should I desire to keep hidden anything that has to do with myself. If the sharing of that thing might help to draw someone to the Savior?" Eph 5:8 Remember, deny yourselves and pick up your cross DAILY!

cold rain

2010-04-10T11:04:00.000-05:00

So whenever its going to storm we can tell. Last night we sat outside and the wind picked up very fast so quickly. Thats the first sign. Then it got really dusty and all of a sudden it was sprinkling and pouring. Of course on our tin roof it sounds SOO LOUD! The rain was absolutely freezing cold. I had forgotten what cold weather felt like. Our room is usually hott at night but it was blowing it so much I was so so happy and thankful for it. It is not the rainey season till June so every storm we get is a GIFT. It even lightening and thundered last night (it doesn't always). Then the power went out and was out all night. Therefore, no fans. Therefore, we our beds were wet when we woke up, oh and our hair, from sweat.....good 'ole sweat. Gotta love sleeping in your sweat. Then I slept till 11am, because I could:), and Michenzie and Chris made chocolate chip pancakes with syrup---they are SOOO AWESOME. We have such a great team who can cook, I'm very impressed myself, and alot of it is made up with no recipe when we hardly have any food left. Great job team, love you all!

goodies!

2010-04-01T16:44:00.000-05:00

Check out this package i received the other day in the mail from my BFF- my mother! Isn't she so sweet!? Well actually, I told her what to send!! Thanks Mom, you do more for me than I show gratefulness for! Thank you so much for this!

A new insulated water bottle, candy, lucky charms, 8 more tanktops!!, more drink packets, a dust brush for my computer and a box full of love!

heat and babies

2010-04-01T06:05:00.000-05:00

I can't believe how the days have gotten even hotter here. It has been hott, but normally we aren't dripping sweat in the morning at 9am already!! So to work on our last big Cultural Anthropology project, we sat in our room with the fans blasting. It's a bit cooler this way. This morning we didn't have class, thanks to Uncle Joseph. He let us off because of the half of our team traveling to Bamako for Easter. Anyways, so we woke up to crying babies this morning. And I just had to see what was going on---you know, its me! So i put my clothes on and didn't even put my contacts in and just walked outside. Matthew was sitting on these big bags of fertilizer (poop) and eating a mango. He was a bit crabby and completely exhausted. Then there was this other baby who is SOO cute but has so many fat rolls! So we call him the "old man baby"; we think he looks like an old man, but he's soo precious. Anyways so the kids wanted me to put Matthew on my back so that he would fall asleep. So I did, and he literally passed out while wrapped on my back. At one point his head was hanging backwards and it looked so uncomfortable. I can't get used to holding babies on my back...they don't seem to stay up on me because I don't have many curves (haha) so I'm always holding the towel up so it doesn't fall down all the time. What a perfect morning. Except it was so hot I was dripping with sweat..and I knew it was going to be a long exhausting day.

It is so hard to be motivated to do anything here. Sure I can play with kids all day, but then to go sit down and study. First of all I'm always so ansy here, even in the classroom I just have to stand up and walk. Secondly its not easy to study and think when its so so hot outside.

As Americans, we have so much stuff. What we brought with us to Mali doesn't seem like much, but its alot! Sometimes I'm so embarassed to carry my computer outside or to hold my nice camera in front of their faces. I feel so unpleasantly wealthy and even very guilty at times. What am I supposed to do with that feeling? I've felt like this so much since the first time I went overseas. My heart changed and my mindset of "stuff and money" changed. I dont want to be that wealthy white american here. But i can't change that. It makes things all the more difficult!

meet Oumou

2010-03-22T16:03:00.000-05:00

Meet Oumou. This is the first time she slept on me all afternoon at tea. I smelled like b.o. and sweat the rest of the day. :) Her mom sits right outside our gate and sells peanuts with a bunch of other ladies. It has now become a continuous thing, for me to walk out and bring her in to hang with me. So here is how she works. She's a bit whiny and stubborn. She will not go to anyone else. Once she is sitting on my lap, Michenzie, Chris, or Courtney are considered "scarey" by Oumou. She screams and throws tantrums and elbows (Michenzie) if they try and take her away from me. It's hilarious! My thought was, "Yes, finally a child who loves me and no one else...just me!!" Yet that's not such a good thought. I had to let her follow me into the bathroom to pee otherwise she'd scream. Today she actually pulled my hand and walked me back to her mom outside the gate. It was so sweet. Tomorrow you will meet my bff from church! :D

i togo oumou

2010-03-21T15:03:00.002-05:00

Her name is Oumou. Oumou. I have photos and more moments to blog about tomorrow!

my heart

2010-03-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

The longer I am here, the more I am falling in love with the Malians. How unique and precious are all of God's children. How creative He is in all His work! He baffles my mind and I'm so amazed at who He is while I sit here and type this.

Yesterday, I was walking back from lunch at the Camara's house and all these children were hanging by the gate like usual. Except there was one girl who I'd never seen come into the compound. There are a group of women who sell peanuts at a stand right outside our gate under a tree. I knew this was one of their girls because I had seen her sit with them before. She was carrying a bowl of rice that she was eating...except there were so many rocks in the rice...it was dirty. Her hair was all sectioned off into squares and wrapped into small buns- about 8 all over her head. She was wearing a too-small blue and stained baby dress, and some very old ratty underwear. I held my hands out to her and shockingly she held her hands out as well. The hard thing is, there are a select few smaller kids and babies who will actually let us hold them, so I was shocked for her to want to come to me. I picked her up and walked back around the corner where our house sits. All of our chairs are usually set under the mango tree for shade. I sat down with her and let her finish her rice. I grabbed an apple and gave her part of it and filled up some water in a cup for her (water---"ji" in bambara). She did not hesitate to take food from me. But she showed no emotion the whole entire time I held her. She would just look at me and back at everyone else. Later on I took her inside of our house (we aren't really supposed to but there were no other kids around and she is young enough I think it was okay), and I let her use chalk on our floor (cement floor) and she was done with it pretty quickly and put it back in the bag and made sure i zipped it up properly. I sat down with her on the floor and blew up a ball for her (world map on it) and let her hold it and play with it. I walked with her around our house. She continually followed me and looked oh so precious, and "perfect" in this house (if you know my heart, you know why I say this). The second time God has reminded me of how much I want to be a mother; a biological mother- who knows! but a mother. All I hear Him say is "love them". I see Jesus in them. When I went to pick her up to take her back outside, she FREAKED out! She didn't want to go outside. She wanted to stay inside the house, and I was like "great look what I have done now". So I fought against it and took her outside while she shook herself in my arms and cried. We sat back down under the mango tree for a while and she calmed down a bit. The dogs- Toupas and Sharbon, walked by and she flipped out again. I let her keep the world map ball and walked her back to her mom right outside the gate. As soon as she got back the bigger kids took the ball from her and started playing with it---oh how I knew this was going to happen!

Today I thought about her all day. Oh how I wanted to go out and grab her and bring her back in, but I was busy with French and other things. Later during the day, Christian and I were walking with "Grandma" and clean clothes back pass the gate and there were some kids so we started "karate" fighting with them for fun. AND making so much loud noise. All the "peanut ladies" walked to the gate and looked in at us and started laughing. Then here comes this girl! So beautiful, wearing such dirty, stained, and too small of clothing. I wanted to bathe her and clean her up, give her a manicure and just hold her in new clothes. I wanted to be able to say "she's mine" and I get to watch after her while she sleeps at night in the room next to me! Oh how hard it is to wait for such a longing desire. I found out her name today, but I don't know how to spell it. I barely know how to pronounce it, but I will figure it out one of these days!

Thanks for reading.

sick

2010-03-15T05:59:00.000-05:00

No one likes to be sick, especially a day before starting French class with Madame Fiet. Sharon got Typhoid, or at least thats what her blood test said, but we sort of think it could be Malaria, and when they tested the blood they could have been looking at the Typhoid vaccine instead of the actual illness. Does that make sense? It happened to another EDGE teamer like two years ago. Chris has a cold, Michenzie's throat hurts, and Courtney was just taken to the doctor with Uncle Joseph to get blood work. I am IMMUNE! Just kidding. I hope this all passes me on, I don't tend to get sick very often but if the typhoid is in the water here then you really can't help it. We are filtering our water but still, things happen. A couple people at Uncle Joseph's house got Typhoid as well, so it definitely could be in the water.

Being sick is the last thing you want when you are still adjusting to a new culture, its so hot, and you need to study and do homework!

Please lift this up to Jesus, for we know He heals all.

RAIN

2010-03-07T11:28:00.000-06:00

It is not even close to the rainy season yet, but we have already been blessed two different times with rain and wind. It usually comes up out of nowhere! Our team was basically playing in the rain while it lasted (about 15-20 min). It was so much fun and hilarious. At home rain is just rain. But in Mali its a whole other world. I was reminded how much of a blessing rain is. RAIN IS A BEAUTIFUL BLESSING!

be

2010-03-02T10:54:00.000-06:00

I am challenged to just be.

To just sit for hours under the shady mango tree and be.

To learn a new pace of life and understand

it is okay to just be

We don't always have to be doing something with our

minds or our hands.

It is acceptable by the LORD to just be.

Oh what a challenge it is.

The more our minds aren't occupied with busy work, the more we think.

We think about ourselves.

I think about myself.

You can't hide from self.

What am I doing?

Where is God taking me?

What is true 'sacrifice'?

What is God doing in my heart?

Why don't I feel my passion for Africa while I'm here, in the moment?

We are forced to think about questions we rarely truly answer (or want to answer).

How can I be more secure in my God and let Him love me just the way I am.

How do I just be?

Why does it put bear in my and resistance to think about just being, today.

It is hard.

The Lord is slowly shifting my view.

We are God's Beloved. So, be...LOVED!

-Journal Entry 3.02.10

weather class and malaria

2010-03-01T06:05:00.000-06:00

We thought maybe we'd be starting one of our classes this week, but it looks like we have another week to do nothing but cook, clean, and chill. We do have homework and books to read for due dates coming up in the next couple weeks but not actual classroom time. We were supposed to be starting "Conversational French" with Pastor Gabria here, but it doesn't work for him yet. It would be nice to learn some more french, because right now we are using such BROKEN french words in the midst of our english sentences. Thank goodness Uncle Joseph, his family, and the IBR students know english. The students dont know as much but at least we can figure out what they are saying! It's quite entertaining actually.

Every day seems a little bit hotter. There's no way you can go throughout one day and not sweat through your tanktop! I have limited tanktops too so therefore I have to do laundry often. Last night I think it rained a bit. I remember waking up at 7 and smelling the rain through our window, but it wasn't enough to make the ground muddy. The cool breeze in the early morning is so wonderful. I dont think I've ever been so thankful to feel a good breeze. Oh how much we take for granted!

And a couple of Uncle Joseph's kids have been tested for typhoid. They think it might be in the water (we have filtered water). So please keep them in your thoughts. They are doing better.

Malaria is huge here. For the short amount of time we've been here (3 weeks) about 5 people that we know amongst the compound have already gotten malaria and medication to heal. They are better, but it is soo common here. I get annoyed sleeping with my mosquito net all the time. Its such a pain to always tuck in around your bed and you cant feel the fan as much and you feel like you are in a cage.

Anyways, its my turn to cook lunch so peace out! :)

refreshed

2010-02-25T16:24:00.000-06:00

Half of our team was gone to Bamako for two days. They came back last night and we were able to work some issues out that was building tension among all of us. It felt good to be together again. I felt unity. I was refreshed. Right now I'm sitting on the cement block patio in our backyard listening to Court, Chenz, and Chris type away. I hear voices in the distance yelling something in Bambara, and once in a while a car drives by. It is cool tonight. After the 106 degree weather today, the evenings feel so good! Toupas is sleeping right next to me. Oh how I'm praying she has puppies while we are here! It is almost that time when all the male dogs hunt her down ha! I'm not so tired today. The other day I slept in till 10am (because we've had no class this week) and then i had another 2 1/2 hour nap that afternoon, of course lying in sweat. But through all the 'uncomfortableness' as many americans would say, God is always here. I've been given the name "Nema" (nay-mah) which is grace in Bambara. I don't know if it was randomly chosen by the Malian students, but I believe God definitely had a purpose through the name. My theme of the trip is about grace. The grace God gives us through His love, and the grace He asks us to give unto others. Something that is difficult but beautiful.

Tonight was like a big celebration day for the Muslim religion or something like that. From our home, in the distance we hear prayer and song (in another language by a man) over and over. Usually its just a call to prayer the couple times Muslims repeat daily. This was longer. And I was pondering how interesting and lifechanging it would be to learn more about the Muslim religion and be able to visit a mosque and one of their leaders with Uncle Joseph. Yet are role here at the IBR compound under the EEPM National Church is to interact and encourage the believers at the church on the compound, and get to know them. I like it, but its hard in a way too because I want to be out doing something and visiting with non-believers. Remember, Mali is 2% Christian (1% leaders) and the rest mostly Muslim and Animist. Yet I feel secluded among our small compound. One teammate specifically told me how she felt when we entered Bougouni for the first time. She felt the darkness of it. Bougouni has a main road that stretches from Bamako down to Burkina Faso. It's a major drug route and much more is going on then we are seeing. I want to know more.

amanda

today in mali

2010-02-23T10:29:00.000-06:00

Monday, we did some more class time and finished talking about Cultural Anthropology, as he gave us our big project assignments due in the next month or two. Class is really hard to focus in on. I find myself thinking about the heat, wanting cold ice water but its not always possible because our freezer is oh so small and you can only fit so much at a time and make so much ice at a time as well. Cold water tastes so good all the time. I find myself chugging it very often as I sit here and sweat, or lay down at night and just sweat. Class is also hard to stay focused because the heat makes you exhausted (heat exhaustion) and I've been oh so tired. We have a bunch of assignments in our hands for the rest of the 6 months, but it doesn't stop there. We have 18 credits we are doing. Thats alot even back in the states, and what's worse is we will all be dealing with culture shock and our own personal problems. I find myself not even eating that much either. At some meals, I eat way over what I would normally just so that I don't find myself losing weight. I really can't afford to. It's hard to have an appetite.

Jones, our professor, is flying back home on Thursday. Today three of our teammates went to Bamako with Jones and Uncle Joseph to do some bank stuff and shopping. Christian, Michenzie, and I stayed back in Bougouni to get caught up on sleep and just being alone. It has been so wonderful with just 3 of us here...3 of us quiet personalities!! Today I woke up at 9 and did laundry. Then we went to the market on our ghetto bikes to get potatoes, tomatos, and onions. We headed to the fabric shop and picked up a bunch of material for outfits, skirts, and taffays (sp?). I had material ready to be tailored and made into a whole outfit for Sundays. And then I bought to material pieces for taffays, and one more I found and had it tailored to fit me (with a zipper). It's very fun and I'm becoming obsessed with buying more of their material! Even with a little bit of french, Chenz and I managed to used what we know to get things accomplished. The kind of adventure I like.

mali NOW

2010-02-16T04:33:00.000-06:00

Wow it has been a long week! The days have gone by so slowly here, yet sort of fast, its weird. We arrived in Bamako about 9pm last Tuesday evening. Fortunately the weather was cooler than normally. It was hot air (probably 90's) but still better than we expected. We met Mama Sako and his wife and kids in Bamako. He is a leader/pastor in the church and has been very involved with Grace University's EDGE Program. We ate with them in their home for lunch one day and had a great time meeting his family. His wife is very sweet. Later the next day we went to the bus station to wait to go down to Bougouni (where we are staying). It is about a 3 hour drive from Bamako. But before we left, we waited about 1 1/2 hrs and out of nowhere became the center of attention. This man dances for money and he walked up and started dancing...somewhat inappropriately...but also hilarious. I guess he dances on tv here or something as well. We got some on video as we were completely surrounded by music and probably 40+ women and men laughing and clapping.

On the way down there were so many children on the bus, and some just happened to sit right next to us! One girl absolutely loved us and kept on smiling all the time. Another one wasn't sure about us until Chris started making weird noises at her. Then she opened up and was a little crazy! I even got to hold a couple-month-old baby as well.

Down in Bougouni, our team is staying in a house (pink :)). There are two small rooms for the intern and our oldest team member (Christian). The other bedroom has me and two other girls in it, and it is a bit crowded. We have a small kitchen, study room, living room and bathroom. And now had some men fix up our porch in the back so we could sit under some shade. It is definitely liveable (sp?). We have gone to the market many times already, and it is interesting how people completely stop what they are doing to stare at us as we walk by. It's strange at first and sort of awkward but you get used to it and just ignore it. We are living on the IBR compound. It is a small bible college that the district pays some students to go to. It is expensive for them ($800/yr). But there are only 4 students this year. Not many huh? They are pretty nice and fun to be around. We have to be careful in our actions though, for continually talking or sitting by one of them many times can look like we are interested in them, and from what I've heard they are all engaged. The relationship aspect in the Malian culture is so different. Would it even be possible for two people from different cultures to marry. It is quite interesting!

Mali is definitely "real" Africa. Swaziland was more like South Africa which is closer to how the US runs in some ways. But here, you know you are in a different world. We are definitely still in our "honeymoon" stage of the continuum. But within another 2 weeks here, things will start to change. Frustrations and struggles will begin to hit us and this is when we will have to rely on the Lord. Nothing will get easier from here on out. I hope this gives you a small glimpse of what has been going on.

Oh, and I got to ride a nomad's camel!

Amanda

swazi photography by mandy finley

2010-01-29T21:49:00.002-06:00

photography

2010-01-25T21:53:00.000-06:00

I sort of feel like I'm high on the clouds today. It's almost weird when an opportunity is presented to you but you know you couldn't do it for at least another year or two. I remember praying quite a while back about God using my photography talent that He has given me for His glory. I especially wanted to photograph children, my my heart lays. I was offered an invitation to go to Northern Uganda and take a ton of pictures for an organization called "Today's Children, Africa's Future". I dont really know that terribly much about them. They are small yet, and I dont think that many people have heard about them either. I heard of them through facebook, somehow...Anyways, I thought that was pretty interesting. I almost wanted to jump at it and accept it, but I knew I couldn't. Not now anyways. I've began to want to take pictures more and more each year I get older, the desire grows deeper. When the founder had presented this invitation to me, a bit later a thought had come to me. I had remembered that night when I went to sleep but asked God to give me such an opportunity some day. I dont know if this is the one He is talking about, but all I know is He is involved in my life and does hear me when I think He doesn't. (We all doubt many times). Even thought he knows I can't do this now, the founder still asked me if I would be willing to make a book for them to represent their organization to others (and for sponsored children). Neat huh? We'll see what God has planned for this next...I dont know for sure if I will be making this book, but it definitely made my day...for someone to recognize and be impressed by my photos I had posted on facebook.

(Oh, and I have no photography training actually; I wish I could take a class to learn more about the technical parts of the camera)

I am pretty excited to see where I will be lead to in the future.

God, you are always there, pulling my hand along the way gently. And whenever I take a step backwards or sidewards, you are always pushing me back onto the right path. I love you Jesus.

countdown

2010-01-23T17:47:00.000-06:00

days

till

back

Africa

Africa Inland Mission

2010-01-17T20:00:00.000-06:00

The other day, I met with the Regional Director of Africa Inland Mission. It was such a great time for me because I dont get to talk with someone very often who has had many years of experience on the mission field. I believe he was in Kenya for 20 some years or so. Anyways we went to eat at an Indian restraunt for lunch. It was great to talk about my passion and what God has put in my heart for future ministry. So I was given two different opportunities I could pray about for the future- the first one was the TIMO program which is a two year foundation for ministry or I could work in an Orphanage in Uganda for one year and continue if I feel lead to after that. I am bursting with joy right now! My heart is exploding with love for these african children who deserve a better life!

Class and Thoughts

2010-01-06T18:18:00.002-06:00

Today, my Mali team had class from about 9-5 all day with cooking in between. (We were graded on cooking and being back to class on time!) We are doing the classroom portion of the class now. When we get to Mali (in one month) we will then be doing some major hands-on projects amongst the culture, through observation and other things. I'm actually excited for this. Many people who ask me about this trip think its just another missions trip. But in fact, it's all about experience. It is all about learning about the ways other cultures think, why they do what they do and discovering more about the culture's values without making easy judgments on what they do. It's very interesting and I am enjoying where this class is leading us already.

After this week of class I will go back home (on Mon) and then Wednesday I am meeting with Warren Day, the Regional Director, from Africa Inland Mission. I am so excited. I've been looking into possible mission organization opportunities for the future. I actually found out about AIM through one of our textbooks in a class I took in the Spring Semester of 2009. I looked it up and it has stuck with me since. After that I found out my Swaziland Leader this past summer knows Warren and it was kind of a cool thing to me. I'm not sure what I am going to do yet. I have a couple possibilities to go with after graduation in 2011. Either I could work and start fundraising to go somewhere short-term (at first) with AIM (like one year), and eventually lead to long-term. Or I could do their TIMO program, which is a 2 year foundation for ministry. A small team of 8-10 people amongst an experienced missionary leader goes to an area of Africa that is considered "unreached peoples". They do intensive language learning, homework, book reading inside of different units during those 2 years (i.e. spiritual warfare). That's a major commitment though. Another option I'm considering is going back to school right away that next fall and getting my Medical Assistant Degree (1 yr) to have some medical experience under my belt I can use overseas. I feel if I dont do it now, I never will. I honestly cannot get myself to say I want to do Nursing and go back for another 3 years. I don't have the motivation or passion for that. It would also be nice to have an MA degree b/c I could work for a while and save up before I went overseas, and if I came back I could always get a job again...again that is relying on security when I should rely on our Heavenly God.

The other thing that has been on my mind lately is children. African children. They grabbed my heart in Swaziland and my heart is bursting with more joy to just hold one of them again, and maybe someday be a mother to one. I have been having consistent dreams, night after night, about children, about Africa, about being a mother. God has never spoken to me through dreams, that I can remember anyways. It's as clear as daylight. He continues to give this passion to me when I pray about it. But I have to remember to continually let HIM be my true passion, and out of that relationship flows a passion to be a tool for His broken world. They brighten up my heart, and I can't think of any other thing in my future then to work at an orphanage or take care of children left on the street over there. I can't even describe it anymore...it's intense. I just have to wait now, and continue praying.

I love You, Jesus

Sacrificial Love

2009-12-22T16:16:00.001-06:00

"The face that Moses had begged to see---
was forbidden to see---
was slapped bloody(Ex 33:19-20).
The thorns that God had sent to curse the earth's rebellion now twisted around his own brow...
'On your back with you!' One raises a mallet to sink in the spike. But the soldier's heart must continue pumping as he readies the prisoner's wrist. Someone must sustain the soldier's life minute by minute, for no man has this power on his own.
Who supplies breath to his lungs?
Who gives energy to his cells?
Who holds his molecules together?
Only by the Son do "all things hold together" (Col. 1:17).
The victim wills that the soldier live on---he grants the warriors continued existence.
The man swings.

As the man swings, the Son recalls how he and the Father first designed the medial nerve of the human forearm---the sensations it would be capable of. The design proves flawless---the nerves perform exquisitely. "Up you go!" They lift the cross. God is on display in his underwear and can scarcely breathe.

But these pains are a mere warm-up to his other and growing dread. He beings to feel a foreign sensation. Somewhere during this day an unearthly foul odor began to waft, not around his nose, but his heart. He feels dirty. Human wickedness starts to crawl upon his spotless being---the living excrement from our souls. The apple of his Father's eye turns brown with rot.

His Father! He must face his Father like this!

From heaven the Father now rouses himself like a lion disturbed,
shakes his mane, and roars against the shriveling remnant of a man hanging on a cross.
Never has the Son seen the Father look at him so, never felt even the least of his hot breath.
But the roar shakes the unseen world and darkens the visible sky.
The Son does not recognize these eyes.

"Son of Man! Why have you behaved so?
You have cheated, lusted, stolen, gossiped---
murdered, envied, hated, lied.
You have cursed,
robbed,
overspent,
overeaten---
fornicated,
disobeyed,
embezzled, and
blasphemed.
Oh, the duties you have shirked, the children you have abandoned!
Who has ever so ignored the poor, so played the coward, so belittled my name?
Have you ever held your razor tongue?
What a self-righteous, pitiful drunk---
you, who molest young boys,
peddle killer drugs,
travel in cliques, and
mock your parents.
Who gave you the boldness to rig elections, foment revolutions, torture animals, and worship demons?

Does the list ever end?

Splitting families, raping virgins, acting smugly, playing the pimp---
buying politicians, practicing exhortation, filming pornography, accepting bribes.
You have burned down buildings, perfected terrorist tactics, founded false religions, traded in slaves---relishing each morsel and bragging about it all.

I hate, loathe these things in you!
Disgust for everything about you consumes Me!
Can you not feel my wrath?"

Of course the Son is innocent. He is blamelessness itself.
The Father knows this. But the divine pair have an agreement, and the unthinkable must now take place.
Jesus will be treated as if personally responsible for every sin ever committed.
The Father watches as his heart's treasure, the mirror-image of himself, sinks drowning into raw, liquid sin. Jehovah's stored rage against humankind from every century explodes in a single direction.
"Father! Father! Why have You forsaken me?!"
But heaven stops its ears.
The Son stares up at the One who cannot, who will not, reach down or reply.
The Trinity had planned it.
The Son endured it.
The Spirit enabled him.
The Father rejected the Son whom He loved. Jesus, the God-man from Nazareth, perished. The Father accepted his sacrifice for sin and was satisfied.

The Rescue was accomplished.

*This leaves me speechless everytime. You can hardly read through it without stopping and thinking of what the Son of God went through for me and for you....we are sinful people but we are soo soo blessed! We need Jesus, that is the beginning of the true Gospel.

Ugandan Necklaces!

2009-12-20T18:36:00.003-06:00

I found these necklaces made by some women in Uganda to raise money for living. They are actually made out of recycled paper or newspapers, pretty creative huh? Go here for purchasing a necklace from SUUBI, Light Gives Heat. They also have bags, t-shirts and other sorts of necklaces in different lengths and color schemes. I may have to splurge on this one so I can help these women out!! It's easy to feel guilty in buying "stuff" at walmart where all your money is going towards is people's incomes and the store. But what is better than giving your money to those who really need it---I get alot of joy out of it and the Lord is honored through it.

some thoughts and feelings

2009-12-04T13:21:00.001-06:00

Wow, I cannot believe the semester is over already. It has just flown by and it seems like the older I grow and the farther I get in school, the faster time flies by. I wouldn't say that's always a good thing. Life goes too fast. It's weird this semester for me, because I won't be coming back next semester and the reality of that has not hit me and probably won't until i'm in Mali, completely in Mali standing on African dirt! I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm ready for a new change of lifestyle and I'm ready to experience something new. I've always had the mindset that I just want to experience because our life is too short to just stay in the same place and do all the same things. Culture fascinates me and the way that God has made every single person unique and one of a kind. To me, I have this thought, or maybe a desire from the Lord: I believe that by reaching into other cultures, studying them and living with them to build relationships, we can learn a lot more about God than we ever knew. We can see how he works through other cultures on the other side of the world. We begin to see His real character and what His heart is really for in this broken world. It makes my heart burn with passion to know this. Through entering another culture completely opposite of ours is definitely a challenge; but I have begun to recognize that God is still the SAME wherever we go! We think He's gonna be a little bit different in this other country, or so maybe I thought that. But I have seen Him in a different light when overseas. In Swaziland I recognized His voice clearly. I find myself searching for His voice in the states and it is more challenging to hear Him here. Why? Could it be distractions? Well, yes it could, but I think there's something there. I think that where He calls people to, every single person, we feel Him much more intimately in that place. That was my experience, maybe not everyone's though. I can't wait to see what He's going to show me in the upcoming months. It's almost scary because once you are shown the unknown, you can't go back; you've heard it and seen it and now you are obligated to do something about it. If you ignore it after you've been exposed to it, you are sinning before you're Heavenly Father. Obedience, obedience, obedience...

T-shirts

2009-11-23T16:54:00.001-06:00

We sold t-shirts to help raise funds for our Mali team. It went well, and I'm really lovin' them. Fund the Nations is a great place to work with if you need sweet designs, on a budget, and need a bunch for a group (esp mission-oriented). Now its time to ship them out to those who have been waiting so kindly for them!

2009-11-17T22:31:00.001-06:00

My dream keeps coming back...dropping out of nursing school the first time wasn't the end of it even though I thought it was. This is what i want to do; my goal and passion.

Deliver Me---David Crowder Band

2009-11-17T13:04:00.000-06:00

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me from all the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

CHORUS:
All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found You
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver me this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Jesus, Jesus how I trust You
How I've proved You o'er and o'er
Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus
Deliver me
Come and pull me through
Come pull me through

charity h20

2009-11-13T15:55:00.001-06:00

marin beth

2009-11-01T15:53:00.001-06:00

Look at this baby girl. She is SO precious, and words cant even describe her. I actually had the wonderful opportunity of watching Marin Beth be delivered by the doctor (who was so cool by the way). I watched the whole thing. I even held my sister's one leg as well as cut the umbilical cord!! I was so amazing to be a part of and i'm so thankful my sister didn't mind that I was in there! I'm absolutely in love with babies more than children; so I could take care of a baby, but a child takes a bit more work AND they look up to you (yikes). I can't wait to have children!

I love you baby girl; if only you knew how many people want to hold you, kiss you, and are lovin' on you all the time!!

fighting

2009-10-30T18:47:00.000-05:00

I've discovered that depression can be a complete physical thing or maybe its more of a spiritual thing. Well, I've come up with both for me. It's physical because of the chemical imbalance of seratonin and norepeniphrine. But it's spiritual because it's very much a "mind" game. Satan likes to use this to keep people distracted from what God wants them to do to be of service to others. I don't believe God gives it to us, but He allows it to happen so that we draw closer to Him, we are strengthened, and who knows maybe someday I will be used because of what I've gone through. It's a day-to-day sort of thing. It's not i have a "bad week", its more like i had a bad day and then a good day. I've discovered the one thing Satan is doing in my life is trying to keep me down telling myself I am no good and could never do mission work. He is keeping me down so that I will not go, anything to keep me from serving the Lord with all my heart. At first, it's easy to buy into, but after going through it once already I decided I am going to fight it. I know exactly how it affects me. I'm not sure why it came on now. Whether it's seasonal, it runs in my family, and I think alot of it has to do with still dealing with re-entry and not being where my heart is. I can't believe how much it has affected me. I'm getting through it and still trusting in where the Lord is leading me. He knows what He's doing...I really have no idea, and I'd rather trust Him than myself since I don't know everything.

2009-10-14T13:00:00.001-05:00

This week has been such a bland week. Nothing exciting has happened. I haven't been hearing God's voice very clearly but all I get is "wait"...."wait on Me". Sometimes I just get tired of that "w" word. Why is it always "wait" in my life? Selfish I am, yes. Individualistic I am, yes. Lord I am so ashamed of my arrogance, my self-centeredness and my life wanting "all about me". But today, I just want to be invisible. I just want to go back to bed and hide under my covers. No one bother me. School gets into such a boring routine. Every Monday is the same. Every Thursday is the same, you get the picture. Nothing different. I want change! And it couldn't come any faster! February is right around the corner and that will be change, but I'm not so sure I'm ready for that either. I feel like I've just been hit with a "quiet" season in the Lord. He's there but He's silent now. Lord I need You. I have so much going on this week. A paper I want to be meaningful and I have no ideas for it. A speaking session to junior high kids about my testimony and call to missions and on Swaziland and I'm not prepared yet.

just make me invisible Lord, please

For My Love---Bethany Dillon

2009-10-06T15:31:00.000-05:00

My new favorite song :) Of course as a romance song with my Savior

Walk towards me
I want to hear
The heavens singing over you
When you breathe
And look at me
I want to be captured by you

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

I want to hide
What’s deep in my eyes
I’m scared to be known by you
But when I turn my head
And see you there
I want to be pursued

Gaze into my eyes
And let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

A dream I won’t wake from
A story that will never end
The ground your feet walk on
Let me be there, let me be there

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Just ask me for my love

Gaze into my eyes
Let me know you’d fight
Thousands, for my love
Slip your hand in mine
Ask me to dance with you tonight
Ask me for my love

surrender all of it

2009-10-03T23:22:00.001-05:00

The process of surrendering it all....

I'm not sure of how I feel about that at this moment. I've come to an understanding that we cannot be fully satisfied and filled with Christ until we surrender everything to Him. Not surrender in the way most people think---if i give this up now, you better give it back to me later. No. We are surrendering. Giving it up even if we don't get it back. I'm in the process of studying and surrendering an area of my life each week. Everything is included...you name it. Don't forget to ask God to reveal to you other areas as well; He did that immediately with me and these are just the few areas of my life-long process of surrendering ahead of me: friends, family, marriage, decisions, dreams, the mission field, etc.

This is just the beginning...stay updated for more :)

re-entry

2009-09-29T19:55:00.000-05:00

Re-entry has been difficult. More difficult than I expected and more difficult than I wanted it to be. It has completely changed everything around me, the way I feel and act, and my entire life. I would say that is a positive thing most of the time.

I've learned a lot just by being back in America. Reverse culture shock didn't hit me right away. Nothing hit me right away, which worried me at first. I was expecting it to be difficult to come home that first week or two, but it wasn't. I missed Swaziland but that was the only difficulty I had.

Where am I at now? Well it is just about the beginning of October and I have been struggling with the whole concept of "re-entry"---the transition from the mission field to being back at home no matter what length you were gone. It came so subtly which is why I didn't understand what was happening at first. I was lonely (not physically b/c i live in the dorms and have friends here), but a different sort of loneliness I can't really explain. I felt like I had multiple bad days as in my whole life was just becoming dark and gloomy. I had no desire to communicate with God and have devotions with Him. I was miserable and so confused. Friends even said I was different and something wasn't right. I wasn't happy and I am still not happy. Going home did refresh things, but after being back within two days, the whole situation has kicked in again. And I'm miserable and don't know what to do about it.

Some things have changed. God has opened up my eyes and given me a desire to seek after Him again. I've come to the conclusion that He is all I need and I'm focusing on Him and Him alone. How hard it is though...so many distractions Satan throws my way to throw me off guard.

But, this weekend, God answered my prayer and determining what was going on with me. He used another friend to show me that I was just hit with the whole "re-entry" thing. I knew that, but somewhat was indenial of it. I thought it had passed already. There are so many days I just want to be alone or be done with what I'm doing. I'm unhappy in the dorms. I'm unhappy in school. I'm unhappy in Omaha...

God I need You and I'm crying out for YOU now at this time and place. Please move in me ---whatever You need to do.

new LIFE theme

2009-09-15T20:16:00.000-05:00

Don't

sacrifice

God's calling

for

any

man

direction...?

2009-09-12T21:07:00.001-05:00

I miss you all so much. I can't help but wonder many times daily what you are up to. Are you safe? Are you getting fed? Are you loved...? A part of me says we need to be there ( I need to be there) to make everything okay, but yet I'm just me. I can't do much in my own power. I have to really let God take this from me- its okay to miss them, its okay to pray for them; but let God love them and take care of them for me. Just as He spoke to me while I was there many times saying "Take care of them for me"...well, in which way? By being in the America---that's not exactly how I pictured taking care of them. But maybe you have other plans for me in a different way I haven't discovered yet.

I'm still searching for direction. God has laid Africa right on the deepest spot of my heart. It'd be foolish to think that He didn't want me there because He has shown me again and again. Two months in the middle of God's will isn't ENOUGH! It's just not...there's gotta be more time.

So I'm discovering that I can help Africans right in my own city. You'd think Omaha is a "white" American city, but its not. There's more diversity than you think. You just have to get involved and that's what I'm doing. My practicum for this semester is going to be observing/experiencing/tagging along with how Lutheran Family Services works with refugees who have just flown into Omaha to get them settled into how to live in an American society. What a challenge, yet it kinda feels like I'm headed towards a "home" direction (you may not understand that, but I do).

I have alot to figure out. I have plenty of time, but its gonna be gone in a flash. When I get back from Mali in August 2010, do I move into an apartment with my friend and hope I stick around in Omaha for more than just that school year? Will I go on and get a 2-year health degree to have some more education under my belt? Do I look immediately for a mission agency to be sent from overseas, or do I find a mission-training school type program? There are so many possiblities yet I know God is going to show me with time, what direction He desires for me. Even though God has His plans and His will, He also says sometimes "you choose"...and sometimes it doesn't matter which direction or door you open as long as you live your life to serve Him---thats all He wants from us (of course love too hehe).

So there's Africa Inland Mission. Definitely sounds like a good direction. There's Medical Assitant education/training for I think 2 years. Then I would have a good solid education and could find a good job and have some decent pay until I knew when I would be going overseas. That makes total sense, yet is healthcare really what I want to focus on? I'm not really so sure anymore. I thought I was, but often times it is and it isn't at the same time. Then there's a mission training school my friend will be going through in like a year which sounds really good too. Hmmm...why so many options! If it sounds like i'm worried, scratch that off. I'm not. I'm looking for direction and you have to start by viewing all your options. It's just a start...I think God will open my eyes up to some new things and new desires while I'm in Mali. Maybe I'll have some good solid direction when I get back!

Ahhh, the joys of waiting upon the Lord. He is so worth it because He is the Lord of the Universe and the Creator of all things. Thank you for teaching me patience...even though I still struggle. Your grace is enough!

New SpringWidget

2009-09-09T15:04:00.001-05:00

Get this widget!

Mali t-shirts

2009-09-04T15:23:00.001-05:00

The design is made! My Mali-Edge 2010 Team is selling t-shirts as part of raising some money for this trip next February. They are a regular t-shirt but we were told have a softer-vintage material look. We have not seen them so we are using our best judgement praying they will turn out well once we order them after everyone pre-orders. T-shirts are $18. If you don't live near the area, contact me and I will let you know where to send the check to (write checks out to Amanda Larsen). Enjoy!

come to the Living Water and you'll thirst no more

2009-08-23T19:17:00.000-05:00

Life is so frustrating and complicated sometimes. I was soo excited to move back into school, but I now discovered it was because I missed my friends. I don't think it was because I wanted to actually move back here. The days have been really unusually slow with nothing to do. Homework hasn't picked up yet, and at the moment I feel like I'm wasting my life. It's hard after coming back from Africa and trying to pick up where I left off here in America. And I've only been gone for 2 months...imagine what it will do to me to be gone 6 months in Mali...am I able to even come back?! But its such a strange feeling. I finally began to call Omaha "home" too and after getting back here, or even being in the states in general, I feel disconnected like this isn't my home nor do I fit into the wealthy American Christian life anymore. I'm so sick of it. I know that my home is not on this earth but waiting for me in eternity with Jesus Christ. Something is missing though. Even though many times I don't feel like I was changed this summer, I feel that missing piece. I'm not enjoying being back at school with my friends- sure I love them, but I love the Lord more and I want to please Him more. I have such a thirst and desire to follow God and to listen to His voice, but its soo hard to hear Him HERE. Why is that? Even the convictions are huge- going to walmart to buy needless things, eating out and spending $10 on a meal which could feed a family a couple nights I'm sure, and just spending money on anything like it doesn't matter. I try and tell myself it doesn't matter and its not that big of deal because thats just how American economy and culture runs...but I'm done with excuses. God is doing something inside of me and I can't figure it out. He's made me uncomfortable here. I want to be uncomfortable there. This gets a little confusing and you may not understand, but I am sick of being comfortable in the states...uncomfortableness has become a small part of my life I want to keep on living in. Even though this is comfortable America, I'm not comfortable here b/c I want more. In the desires and passions God has placed in my heart, I feel as if I stay in America, I'm settling....and I can't settle. I DON'T WANT THAT! And, I can't take it. I am not putting down those who want to stay in America...God does call EVERY BELIEVER to "GO" and make Disciples but whether that means overseas or here in their hometown...and every person who does go overseas isn't always called to "stay" there either. I'm so glad i'm going back to Africa in February...I might be able to make it until then...I hate feeling like something is missing in my life, in my heart, in my soul, yet I can't figure out what it is. It has gotten to the point where i'm just plain frustrated and mad. Am I mad at myself or at the world? What am I really mad about? How can I make it through this semester without taking my own frustrations God has let me struggle with and grow through and not taken them out on my friends and everyone else around me? At this point, I am just so unhappy.

God just quiet my heart again and speak to me. Show me how I can find you in a world of distractions, wealth, and ungodliness. You deserve so much more because You are so worthy! YOUR beauty makes me stand in silence...

TOMS

2009-08-07T18:09:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know what you are thinking. "I WANT A PAIR OF THOSE"...well check 'em out at (click on the link in the title)...When you buy one pair, they give one to a child in need---ONE FOR ONE...its such a good cause and they are sooo cute. I also ordered a pair of dark grey canvas shoes as well. They are a bit pricey but so worth it. And I took a picture of them...hehe I guess I'm a photographer at heart :) hehe

emotions

2009-08-05T22:00:00.000-05:00

I just about lost it last night. Even though I have been editing my pictures and looking at all of them multiple times for over a week now, I crumbled within a couple minutes. I was on facebook for quite a while last night because I had nothing to do but stuff to get done on the computer so I let anyone talk to me. I finally put up some of my favorite pictures of the children I had become close to. Friends began commenting on them and I was in a few conversations about being there as well. A friend had told me what a blessing I was to be in her life, and I was thinking back to being over there by running the motions of each step through my mind. The tears began to flow. I decided to go to bed not too long after and couldn't take a hold on my emotions. Everything hit me- the joy, the smiles I still see on their faces, their torn clothing, the smell, their unbathed bodies, their malnourished stomachs, their giggles and singing songs, when a child knew "Jesus loves me" and thats the only way we connected, the injustice of the world, the brokenness that is everywhere, feeling what Christ really feels in what happens to His children, the atmosphere, the driven passion to follow God anywhere, and the hope that Jesus still does what He says and holds all His children in His hands.

I can't imagine living any other way. How sweet the love of Jesus to take our place, die for us, give us the chance to be connected to His Father, and still want to personally be involved in each one of our lives even though we rebel against Him and will always through our sinful nature.

"Kindness" by Chris Tomlin

2009-08-05T14:19:00.000-05:00

Open up the skies of mercy

And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise
Open up the skies of mercy
And rain down the cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries Lord let 'em rise

It's Your kindness Lord
That leads us to repentance
Your favor Lord, is our desire
It's Your beauty Lord that makes us stand in silence
Your love
Your love
Is better than life

We can feel
Your mercy falling
You are turnin our hearts back again
Hear our praises rise to heaven
Draw us near Lord
Meet us here

Chorus

[Prayer]
Lord,
We stand here,
As the desperate people
Hungry for the things of You
Come quiet the storms,
That rage all around us
So that we
hear the passion that beats through your heart
Spirit put healing in our hands
Put life in our words
And drive a passion
For the lost deep
In the hearts of your people
Inhabit the praises of us
Through children
And father send us out

With a reckless passion
Deliver us from evil
And set a standard of unity
To break down laws
And to heal Your people
Unity is the cry of your church, Lord
Reconsile the children to the fathers
And with forgiveness and mercy
Rush through the hearts of our land
We cry out our deep need for You, Jesus
Oh God come in power and bring glory to Your Name

**It gets me everytime. "It's your beauty Lord that makes us stand in silence"...the line right there makes me speechless and again reminds me how much thirst I have for the Most High King, giving me more of His desires and passions everyday, showing me what breaks His heart, and guiding me with every footstep.

Photo Album

2009-08-02T23:28:00.000-05:00

So if you would like to see a little bit of what I have been up to this summer, check out this photo album. A little bit of everything. I'm sure I will add more pics to it as time allows, and possibly add more links to albums in the future! Enjoy! :)

(You may have to get a snapfish account as well to view)

http://www2.snapfish.com/thumbnailshare/AlbumID=1868935013/a=87189390_87189390/

the moments you long to be back where your heart is

2009-08-01T16:06:00.000-05:00

Even after being home for three days, God reminds me over and over where my heart is at. I still don't see the change He has done in me, but I also haven't been doing anything active yet. At the moment I'm editing my thousands of pictures, preparing my presentations, and writing my next mission support letter. I don't think I even brought it home with me. God continues to confirm to me over and over that the mission field is where He is planning on leading me. He keeps on opening up doors and showing me His footsteps to follow closely behind. I play the faces and the smiles in my mind over and over like its a permanent video. The kids screaming and running after bubbles likes its candy, or "if you want to play make a big circle," and then of course the moment that always fills me up- when I can pick up a child, or he/she comes to sit on my lap and just hold them until they fall asleep. It happened so many times, but there was one girl who really hit me deep. I don't know her name because she was so shy and wouldn't respond, but she was content with sleeping on my lap. (Alot of the younger ones have never seen white people before and many of them just end up crying or walking away). The photo below is one of my teammates Becca, who was in my small ministry group to this specific carepoint. Check out the video of the kiddos going crazy for the bubbles!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94BTZJr0myk

journal entry- God speaks

2009-07-31T08:45:00.000-05:00

Why am "I" blessed? Why was "I" chosen to be born in America where most children have both of their parents, and where we have an abundance and never-ending supply of necessities, clothes, shoes, healthcare, education, food and clean-safe water? There's a reason and a purpose for that...because God has a reason for everything and He has a plan for you and for me and the place I have been raised (US) can be used for BIGGER and BETTER things---sharing our resources and being Christ to all other nations. But what does it mean to really be "blessed"? That we have more stuff? I don't think so.

I was sitting at breakfast during our de-brief week in Swaziland and happened to fade out of what was going around me and basically day-dreamed. We all do it. Then were the thoughts...at which first I thought were just my own, but I discovered that I cant come up with such a thought on my own and it has God's truth written all over it. So I immediately wrote it down so that I wouldn't forget...

God said, "What if those who are called "blessed" (by the world's standards) are not, and those who are not called "blessed," (by the world's standards) really are...?"

It's such a simple statement but requires so much thinking.

See, we have so much stuff and use it for granted thinking the whole world lives the way we do. What if the most blessed people are actually those living in mud huts whom know and have given their lives to follow Jesus? What if the "blessed" people in the world are the ones who rely on God solely for providing because they have nothing left, or those who rely on His healing hand for comfort because they are dying and have no pain medication? Don't you think those people are the "blessed" people of the world? They know what it really means to have to trust in the Lord for their next meal.

I don't think we could ever understand something like that based on the way we are surrounded by wealth and have grown up with it. It's a whole new level, a whole new world.

Mt 5:3-10:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
6Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

James 5:1-6
"Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming upon you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workmen who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered innocent men, who were not opposing you."

last update in swazi

2009-07-21T06:32:00.000-05:00

Friends and Family,

I believe this is the 5th update, but definitely the last while i'm in country...Wow, so many things have happened that i cant even remember them all nor tell you everything.

We ended our last week in Nsoko this past Saturday...On Friday we killed a cow-right up close and personal and I actually volunteered to help cut the throat, but after I actually saw all this going on, i definitely changed my mind. Soon after though they began skinning the cow which I helped with. THEN I got my camera out (with clean hands of course) and took sweet pictures! I know you just have all always wanted to see the inside of a cow. All I have to say is that I will never look at a cow the same way again. All I see is the cow lying there with its tongue hanging out and its insides being pulled out to be cooked by the go-go's (grandmothers). Anyways, it was for a good cause. We invited all the kids and gogos from our carepoints (8 carepoints) and everyone else that we met or saw that week we invited to come on Saturday to eat with us. There were so many people. A couple hundred children (orphans) and lots of go-gos.

All I can say is that it was probably the most meaningful day. I was even more excited because the little girl that I have fallen in love with wasn't at the carepoint on our last day of going, but she was there on Saturday. She doesn't talk...but she sure does smile. She's probably about 2. I do have pictures...but I will never forget her smile. It's changed me. I've always wanted to adopt. I know that having your own children is a blessing and miracle in itself....but the more I look around and see these children, I realize that why keep on having our own kids when there are so many kids around the world who are already born who NEED PARENTS or even "a" parent. I've even been having dreams about adopting...its kinda crazy. Now obviously, I wont adopt anytime soon..but it is in my heart and continues to grow there. I keep asking God to give me His heart and His desires. He is doing that. I want that little girl...(tears). Even if I dont get married, I would still be willing to be a parent. They need us. Except, foreign adoptions aren't allowed in Swaziland as of this moment. I know it has happened before through God's miraculous power...but as of now its not legal. How sad.

So anyways we fed tons of people on Saturday and had our own little party with our friends/translators and the pastor and his family that evening.

How thankful I am to have water again, when we dont have running water. How thankful I am to even have warm water for a couple minutes, when we've only had hot water. My body is lacking so many nutrients that by eating 5 pieces of pizza last night in less than 10 minutes just killed me!! I need vitamins and everything else! Oh how much I yearn for healthy food. I yearn for space, but I would give all this up easily to follow Christ somewhere else. As I continue to go on mission trips-short term- I picture myself there for long-term and ask myself If I could live there...here in Swaziland..could I love here? My answer is yes..without a doubt. "What if You dont like Africa?" many have asked me....ha FALSE. I'm so in love with these people, with this continent. They have grabbed my heart. I expected to be broken and wrecked..and even though I haven't been here....I may feel it at home when i'm gone from it.

Well we have debrief this week. Sunday we are going to Kruger Safaris- one of the biggest in the world..and then Monday night we fly out. I'll be home on Wednesday! See you all soon.

Can't wait to share my next opportunity with you- Mali 2010.

Amanda Larsen

swazi update 1

2009-06-12T05:53:00.000-05:00

Friends and Family,

Wow has it been crazy here. My team and I are staying out in a small town of Nsoko...we're actually out in the boonies haha! It does not seem like i am in africa...it seems like a dream, or a play I am "acting" in...but the children are oh so real! You have no idea how much a child needs attention and love until you are with those who dont get any. I look into their eyes and just feel Jesus saying to me over and over "Take care of them for me"....but how can i do that when i'm only here for two months...get very attached and then just leave? It's not fair.

We visit carepoints around the area twice a week and we either do a bible lesson or games or songs or just play with them...most of them love us...the younger ones aren't always sure about us white people though b/c some of them have never seen white people. I can't imagine what that would be like haha!

We just did our first home visits yesterday...we walked around from house to house and invited ourselves over to get to know the people of this area (very spread out). It's culturally acceptable to invite yourself over to people's homes here...very opposite of the states. I love it here. God is so powerful and just so good. We are now seeing the pain and the hurt in the mother's eyes....many of the kids dont even have go-go's to take care of them...i wonder where they go at night time. Most of them just hang out on our doorstep all them time just waiting for someone to come out and hold their hand, play with them, hug them, chase them, you name it...they are oh so precious.

My big desire of this trip was for it to change me eternally and dramatically...i dont want to fall back into everything else again when i get home...especially the comforts which will be next to impossible. I have asked God over and over to break my heart. But reality has not hit me yet, and i dont think it will till i get home. To think that these children we are actually holding have no parents or anyone to take care of them...or just sit and wait to be fed once a day doesn't even hit me in my mind. Its like i can't soak this reality in....but I know God is doing powerful things. It does seem hopeless though...it seems like there is nothing we can do besides pray and play with them and build relationships. We're here for about 6 more weeks, then we leave....whats next for them? Whose gonna be there when we leave?

As i think about being at home from such a different place then the states...i pour my heart out..and the tears begin to flow. I cannot imagine going home at this point...I just cant!

Please pray for the nation before it is non-existent. By 2050, the nation will be gone if we dont step in. People are dying faster then they are being born. It is unfathomable. I dont understand it at all. Pray for their souls...

Hope to update in the next week or two! Have a great week all!

Amanda

here i go

2009-05-28T22:11:00.000-05:00

Alright, so here is my last update before I leave for Atlanta/Swaziland, until I can update you again when I am in Swaziland. My nerves are setting in, mostly because I have never flown by myself and although I can't control the flights, I pray it goes smoothly and I wont miss my next flight due to mechanical problems or weather. Team unity is a big thing that we all need to strive for and pray for---it is the only way we will make it through and make a TRUE impact in Swazi. It's gonna be quite an experience...I want to more than anything reach other people than for myself to be changed. Although sometimes you don't have to try and change yourself and your heart, it just kinda flows when you are in such a place and God begins to break up all those layers of flesh and just mold you into His beautiful masterpiece. I know without a doubt I will be changed internally and spiritually, on the outside you may not be able to tell, but you will see my heart when you talk to me. I pray I will be an outstanding example that the Swazi people would see us for representing Christ, not just ourselves...

Here I go. What an adventure and journey it will be. I wake up at 2am. Leave at 3am. Fly out at 5:45am. Get to Atlanta at 10:50am.

Will update as soon as possible....and can't wait to share my PICTURES! :)

IN CHRIST

Swazi '09- - -Mali '10

2009-05-24T19:40:00.000-05:00

It's been kinda crazy planning for two amazing trips at one time. While getting packed up and ready to leave for Swaziland, South Africa, I am prepping with "homework" and assignments for Mali, West Africa 2010. Mali is a part of my major, a requirement to graduate with an Intercultural Studies Degree. It is a 6-month study abroad program with Grace University that prepares students for ministry either back home or on the mission field someday, while immersing ourselves in the culture and learning how to communicate whether you can speak the language fluently or not. Mali is about 95% Muslim, or close to, and they speak French (officially) and Bambara as well as other tribal languages among the country. It is mostly desert as well. Oh, and the time we will be there (Feb-Aug 2010) it is about 100-110 degrees F, daily. But our bodies will adjust to it pretty quickly. My team consists of 5 girls and 1 guy. He sure is going to learn alot with being the only male among us, but he'll grow through it I'm sure of it.

"Homework" consists of reading a book and posting answers to questions online, reading the Mali Travel Guide, taking free online french lessons to start practicing and familiarizing ourselves before we take french in August. Oh and getting a start on my support letter which I would send out in June or July but have to wait till I get back in August and it actually gets typed out and edited, mailed, and sealed!

I keep finding myself comparing the two countries. Swaziland's official language is English as well as siSwati, so in this way it'll be much easier than Mali. Swaziland also has about 40% of their country classified as Christianity, but alot of it is mixed in with ancestral worship and other practices (which is wear my team comes in). Swaziland will be all about playing, caring and loving, and doing whatever we can for the hundreds of orphans we will come into contact with. Maybe some construction, sharing the gospel with anyone and everyone, hospitals, schools, etc. In Mali, we will be taking 18 credit hours through either our own professors, the local missionaries, or one of the local professors there- Joseph Camara. It's about one class a month on estimation. Plus we will be "trying" to speak the little French we know and learning some Bambara as well. We will also be in ministry with wherever we want to help. The heat won't be much help either. Cooking with different ingredients and non-American utensils, we will be making our own meals each day. Washing laundry by hand and whatnot.

I want the challenge though. As long as God keeps the door propped open, I'm stepping forward. I pray after raising support for Swaziland (nearly $5,000 I received), that this would not be a burden to raising for Mali. I pray that God will still survive in the crazy ways He always does. I pray I would continue to seek Him and have faith in the mountains He moves in peoples' lives all the time. I pray He would give my parents faith as well to trust it will come if it's His will.

Please pray for me too.

siSwati language

2009-05-23T10:26:00.000-05:00

So I'm trying to learn some siSwati phrases before I head to training camp next Friday. Hopefully I can learn some of their language and maybe that would influence them to think we really do care about people on the other side of the world. :) Here are some of the phrases:

Sawubona-------->Hello
Unjani?-------->How are you? (singular)
Ninjani?------->How are you? (plural)
Kusile------>Good Morning.
Ngiyabonga------------>Thank You
(U)ngubani ligama lakho?-------->What is your name?
Ligama lami ngu...---------->My name is...
Sala kahle------->Goodbye/Stay well
Hamba kahle-------->Go well
Ngiyaphila------->I am well
Ngidziniwe----->I am tired
Ngijabulile------->I am happy
Angiphili------>I am not well
Ncesi------->Sorry/Excuse me
Kulungile-------->It's okay
Yebo----->Yes
No----->Cha
Ngicela uphindze------>Repeat please
Shano kancane, ngiyacela------->Say is slowly please

And of course there are a bunch more I could add. Hmmm...maybe I should make it my goal to know these and say these by the time I leave. What do you think? Oh yea, and I can't forget to start on my French lessons for my Mali 2010 Edge Team!

SIX DAYS!

trip preparations

2009-05-20T20:14:00.000-05:00

Oh, packing is a blast! Ha, not really! I have been buying little by little for weeks now and setting everything else as I decide what clothes to bring that I "need" and not just want. It's kind of a difficult task. I've never packed so lightly before with everything fitting into one suitcase (no more than 50 lbs), but I sure know these clothes will be well worn when I come back at the end of July! But I also know that it will be so much easier to live. Don't worry about your hair, how you look or anything else because that is what is the least important to God or anyone going to Swaziland. That's not the purpose. But lighter packing means less comfort in living. We're leaving the comfortable lifestyle of the typical American and giving it up (for the summer at this point). Bucket showers, sleeping bags, skirts (yuck), no blowdryers or hair straighteners, little or no makeup whatsoever, many many many weird bugs and african animals, but the one thing that holds me together and gives me peace- our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. They say that passion isn't enough to follow your dreams sometimes. The passion may die down. If orphans are your passion its not enough. Well what do they say? Your passion has to be JESUS. When it comes down to the bottom of things, it all has to lead back to Jesus as our ultimate passion, ultimate guide, ultimate leader, ultimate desire, and our one true LOVE. He is the one that is going to keep us going. It is something I have been recently thinking about and studying.

2009-05-19T19:21:00.000-05:00

literally 10 days away...
my heart is pounding
my emotions are going crazy
and I am starting to feel the nerves...

There is a Redeemer

2009-05-17T23:49:00.000-05:00

There is a redeemer,
Jesus, God's own son,
Precious lamb of god, messiah,
Holy one.

Jesus my Redeemer,
Name above all names,
Precious Lamb of God, Messiah,
Oh, for sinners slain.

Thank you oh my Father,
For giving us your Son,
And leaving your Spirit,
til the work on earth is done.

When I stand in glory,
I will see his face,
And there I'll serve my King forever,
In that Holy place.

2009-05-14T20:45:00.000-05:00

15 days

the Wait

2009-05-11T18:52:00.000-05:00

Being at home for three weeks without a job or anything "productive" or "meaningful" to do, is a huge change. I'm so used to being busy with my job and schoolwork and being surrounded by my best friends. It is lonely. I feel almost worthless at times. I should be spending these times intensely and intimately with Christ to prepare for the trip ahead and draw closer to Him, but yet I don't. One of my teammates reminded me that we need to relax once in a while. Yes that is true, but it got to me. I hate being in silence and always want something to do. A day of rest is fine for me, but after that I would like to be back in the routine with something that I need to do that needs to be done. It motivates me and keeps me on track. But, I need to learn to just relax and spend this time fully with the Lord.

If I had movies on Africa and AIDS and orphans, I would spend my days watching them, thinking, and praying...

I watch alot of sermons on youtube that keep me going and growing in different areas of my life. Alot of conviction, which is the work of the Holy Spirit. At times like this I feel like my life is on hold and I'm waiting around for something, which I am, but I shouldn't be carelessly lounging around. I should be doing something for God's Kingdom, right?

**Check these videos out if you want to hear some great insight from some Godly men.
http://braveheartedgospel.com/Thots/Archive.html
OR search "David Wilkerson" or "Paul Washer" on youtube.com.

I know that by the time the day comes when I leave for Africa, I'm going to want to wish I had more time to prepare and pray for the next two months. I'm gonna wish I did that. So I am committing myself to doing it, now, tomorrow, and the rest of the 18 days I have to myself.

Love, Dad

2009-05-02T18:10:00.001-05:00

I absolutely love this picture I found. It is truth.
Read. Understand. Seek.

27 days

Swazi Countdown

2009-04-30T19:20:00.000-05:00

29 days

Guard your hearts

2009-04-30T19:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Ladies:

There are two kinds of men: Godly men and worldly men. What kind of man do you want? I'm betting most of you said a Godly man. Someday, you want to marry a man who loves God with every fiber of his being because he will be an excellent husband and father. He will honor and be true only to you. Most women want a Godly man or at least think they do. Well, I think I have found a way to tell you exactly what kind of guy you will get. I don't even have to know you! All I have to do is look at you. The kind of guy you want or will get is advertised by the clothing you wear. Men were created differently than women. They have different desires and priorities. Their eyes and minds react very differently to some things than women do. It isn't disgusting, perverted, or wrong; it is wonderful and good! It is how God made men. It's how they handle the differences that seperate a Godly man from a worldy man."WORLDY MAN--A worldly man doesn't control himself, rather, he looks at anything that attracts his attention or gets him excited. A wordly guy has no problem when girls wear clothes that show off skin, like boxers, high or low cut shirts, low rise jeans, and "cute" little swim-suits. He's a fan of tight-fitting shirts and pants that show off your form, he think they're fine! Worldly guy watches a lot of TV and R-rated movies, isn't really offended by sexual content or nudity and secretly dabbles in pornography. He's a "Christian" and makes up a significant portion of your church and youth group. He's a really nice guy and sees you mainly for your body. If you were to marry a worldly guy, he'd bring lots of baggage into the relationship, have intimacy problems, entertain thoughts of other women, and possibly cheat on you.""GODLY MAN--A Godly man is in control of his drives and desires. He constantly seeks God and reads his Bible. He "walks in the Spirit" and isn't set off by everything he sees. When immodestly-dressed girls, magazine covers, or risque advertisements come into view, Godly guy quickly "bounces his eyes" away from the image. He's constantly guarding his thoughts and what he allows into his mind. He hates being around girls that disrespect him and his struggles by wearing inappropriate attire. A Godly guy doesn't watch much TV and is selective about movies he sees. He views you as a person, knows you, and respects you. He has your best interests in mind and guards against inappropriate thoughts of you. If you were to marry a Godly man, he would give you the emotional attention you need, he would ignore other women and remain faithful to you no matter what." Unfortunately, there are more wordly men than Godly men; and to make matters worse, to the untrained eye, a worldly man looks a lot like a Godly man. So what can you do to only attract a Godly man? Basically, how you dress. The clothes you wear advertise what kind of guy you are looking for. It all comes down to the kind of man you want to spend your time around and eventually marry. You cannot afford to be complacent in this area of your life! You will pay the price someday. This issue isn't limited strictly to you and your future relationship. The way you dress directly affects other men and women and their relationships. You don't see the struggles, pain, tears, and the sin that you cause, but I can promise that you would be shocked if you did! As any Christian young man; we've all seen it. It's kept hidden but it is definitely there. By dressing immodestly, you effectually spit on the struggles of our weaker ranks, appearing to care more about toying with us than helping us. You'll never know how many broken relationships and lifestyles of sin you've contributed to simply by the way you dress. You want to marry a GODLY man someday, well so do many other women. Don't just help yourself and your future, help all women and their relationships by showing discretion in your dress.But remember, for every sacrifice you makek to honor God with your image, Godly men are making sacrifices in their lives that are just as hard, if not harder! They will and do respect you so much for choosing to be modest! A real lady is conscientious of the image she presents and real men want a real lady. What kind of man do you want? There are Godly men out there, even though it doesn't seem like it...wait for one, wait for one that God has chosen for you; you won't regret it at all!! It will be the most amazing love story you could ever want!!

Ladies, guard your hearts!

Funds are IN!

2009-04-27T15:33:00.000-05:00

After getting back from an amazing weekend with my EDGE team for Mali in 2010, I decided to check my email. So I saw the title "OSO" which is the application I applied for to receive some financial support for my trip this summer. I thought maybe I would receive around $50-100 to help me out. Well, was I in for a surprise! A check is waiting with my name on it for an amount of $400. Yes, FOUR HUNDRED! God knew what I needed.

I asked.
I prayed.
I waited.
He supplied.
He provided.
His timing.

I am covered for my costs for Adventures in Missions (AIM), but am still seeking and praying for financial support for the rest of my costs including my ticket to ATL ($500) and my shots and pills (about $200). So I am one hundred over what I need for AIM, and don't have to even put in a worry about it. Wow God, how is it that you made me so confident in you? How did you teach me so well to trust you through these last tough months. Wow have I grown just in this experience, and I'm not even in Swaziland yet.

Jesus, I am so in awe of you. There is none like you...

Thankfulness

2009-04-22T20:00:00.000-05:00

I have such a grateful and thankful heart. I have watched God time and time again supply my needs for everything, especially Swaziland. I realize that it is truth to say "When God calls, God provides" but then again we don't seem to believe it in our hearts until we experience the way He provides. I have been comparing myself to my teammates, where many of them are already fully funded and lets just say yes I was a bit jealous because I have been raising support longer than some of them. But then again, it's not a competition nor is it about who gets more and who gets it faster. God supplies in His timing for certain reasons, such as strengthening our faith in Him to provide. I have surely felt and experience the calling God has for me this summer in the last couple months. He has made it so darn clear to me that I am on the right track. When I first began this process I basically prayed about it but didn't really know what He wanted for me. But, I did ask Him to shut a door if it wasn't His will. He never did shut the door. It's still wide open, and my support is still coming in little by little. I have about 4 weeks from this Friday till its due. That is enough time to receive the rest. I am just needing about $300 to cover AIM's, but at the beginning of this process I communicated with God that I wasn't going to pay for it and He would provide it all if I was going to go. Therefore, for all of it to be covered, it would come to a total of $5300 instead of $4600 (AIM's cost). My ticket to ATL was expensive and then i had to get 2 more shots. I have set my goal at $5000 though. If I can reach that, I will be pleased. If I can reach the full amount, wow, my heart will completely melt of thankfulness.

What I've learned is that it is quite easy to be confident in Christ, actually. Do you even realize how BIG He really is? Or do you put Him in a box as if He is limited to what He can do? Well, I have news for you- HE HAS ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD AND CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS! Now, that should help you out. All you have to say to yourself daily and continually is that if you know your direction and God has made it clear, than just be confident He's going to get you there, even if it doesn't happen until the last day (such as support received). Soon, you will believe it in your heart, not just your head.

He is truly the Lover of my soul. No one else can satsify such a desire, nor fulfill an empty hole. Only Jesus.

Jer 29:11

2009-04-19T16:26:00.000-05:00

I was reminded by God's truth today. Alot of times it seems so easy to just believe "For I know the plans I have for you..." in Jeremiah 29:11. All too often I kind of brush past this verse and not think about what it really means because so many people use it and it seems that it becomes a bit dull. When things change, especially things that you don't want to change, it is so utterly difficult to comprehend and recall the belief you say you have in the Lord and His plans He has laid out for each person. It's so easy for someone to say that God's plans are much more rewarding, satisfying, and beautiful compared to our own because of who He is and who we are (not that we can actually compare ourselves to His majesty). I love when the Holy Spirit pops verses into our heads at the time you need them. What would I do without God the Son, God the Father, and God the Holy Spirit? How could I live a life worth living for if we didn't have Jesus? Some events make some people want to forget about their dreams and passions...but I say, don't. If you are in line with God's will, waiting on His direction and asking Him to lead you, those dreams are there for a reason. He is going to use you for His Kingdom. Hallelujah!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Sacrificial Love

2009-04-12T21:01:00.000-05:00

They wanted to kill Him. They wanted to crucify Him.
So He was crucified. And, He was killed.
He did nothing wrong.
Sin was the reason. Our sin. Our sin was laid upon Him.
He took it from us.
God sent His only Son.
It was voluntary. Jesus chose to die on the cross.
Jesus chose to come to earth. And take away our sins.
All for one reason. One. To bridge the gap between me and my Father.
To bridge the gap between you and God.
He has paid the penalty.
He has taken it from us.
So we might live. We might have eternal life.
So we could be with Him. In His presence.
What pain He bore. Pain we will never understand.
Only God His Father understood.
Why the cross? Why death?
For life.
His sacrificial love for us.
Love is a sacrifice.
There is no other way.
Even until that day, it was still difficult for Jesus.
He practiced.
He prepared.
For this day.
Yet, it was still difficult.
"Is there any other way, Father?"
It was the only way.
He died. But He rose. He is risen.
Not just that day.
But He still lives today.
In our souls, in our hearts.
In US.
He lives.
Ask Him to live in you.
What a sacrifice Jesus chose. What a sacrifice God gave up.
His child.
For now, death is conquered.
Darkness is overcome.
And Satan is beaten.
Run to Jesus.
Let Him hold you in His loving arms.

http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=9cb93b2d07e2b9689dae

Sacred Claim

2009-04-11T17:43:00.000-05:00

The principle of the gospel is this:

The gospel always brings life to the receiver. And death to the giver.

If the gospel brought death to Jesus Christ

why would we think that in preaching the gospel it would be any less for us?

So no, he says, “If anybody would be my disciple

he must take up his cross and follow me.

If it kills him to give life to us.”

And he invites us then to be saved.

Why would we expect that it would be any less?

So the mixture of our message is life and death

and laughter and tears and such it is,

but for us life is never ordinary.

Life is never flat.

And this is what Jesus said about his father in John 17:

the reason my Father loves me is that

I laid down my life only to take it up again;

no one takes it from me.

Jesus was not sentenced to die by His Father,

He was allowed to choose.

I have authority to lay it down and I have authority to take it up again.

And this is why my Father loves me.

God the Father had this

extraordinary plan of winning you and me for eternity

by having his son killed.

But his son voluntarily responded.

No it’s not so easy for him to respond. In fact he spent his whole life practicing. And even the night before it was still difficult for Jesus.

And He said, “God is there another way?

Is there another way?”

And I know many many people in the church say “is there another way?” And in our Hong Kong churches it does look as if there is another way. Normal Christians live a normal Christian life. Go to meetings, jump up and down on stages, while we are exhausted and tired.

“Wow you got such a special ministry Jackie.”

Well no, I think we are all

called to give up our lives.

Would you like to do this with us because we would really like some help?

The poor people all over the earth who have never heard of Jesus---they are the poorest people.

They are desperate for food,

they are desperate for blankets,

and they’re desperate for medicine.

They are desperate for water.

The most number of the people of the world who have not heard of the love of the Lord Jesus Christ---they are desperately poor.

And they are not going to come here to hear the gospel.

We have to go there.

So why haven’t people gone?

Something to do with God in our life.

And living a normal life so other people can go.

But I say no why don’t you all go if you’ve tasted such good things. Go to the ends of the earth because those poor aren’t going to watch Jesus on TV.

They haven’t got electricity.

They aren’t going to hear about Him unless we go.

So would you?

I’m here with a plea for you.

If you’ve known the love of God. if you’ve tasted of his sweetness at all.

There’s no other way to serve him except giving up your life.

And this is voluntarily.

This is not a sentence at all.

We’re not sentenced to death.

We’re just privileged to answer His call.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it,

and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.

Whatever ye do unto the least of these Ye have done it unto me.

He that hath my commandments and keepeth them he it is that loveth me.

Be thou faithful unto death and I will give thee a crown of life.

And he that taketh not his cross

and followeth after me is not worthy of me

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this:

To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction.

Hath not God chosen the poor of this world?

May we never forget the sacred claim upon our lives.

---Sermon by Jackie Pullinger---

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX1iDtsAMHE

dates

2009-04-09T13:45:00.000-05:00

It is exactly 50 days till I leave for training camp. June 3rd I will be flying across the ocean for 16 hours to Johannesburg, South Africa. We will then drive eastward to Manzini, Swaziland. Wow. Thank you Jesus.

answer to prayer

2009-03-29T21:33:00.000-05:00

So I think sometimes friends are "Godsend." Does that make sense? Friends and mentors are put in our paths and different areas of our lives for certain reasons. I never knew exactly why I decided to lead the Urban Plunge. It was way out of my leadership gifts and I wonder why I even kept going because I did not have a passion for it, nor was I enjoying it. My heart just wasn't in it. Something I knew maybe I wasn't ready for. But, I met this cool guy the weekend I shadowed. He is part of the worship ministry for Angels on Wheels as well as runs his own website and prints a magazine now (I just found out about it a month ago) to raise money for an orphanage he wants to start back in the Philipines. How awesome! I have been so encouraged by him, especially after a hard weekend on the Plunge. So he asked me about Africa and asked if he could feature my mission trip and financial need in his magazine. And I was completely shocked and amazed. "Lord, is this where you're going to provide the rest of the support through?" So, now I am in a magazine!! Yeaaaa! Cool huh? Weird how God answers prayer. What a mystery...I'm sure praying the support comes in in the next 50 days! Please be praying for my team as well...Some of them just started raising support so they're a bit tight! God's got it under control though. If you would like to see my page, I can sure send it to you!

Remember, you can donate online at:
https://www.adventures.org/give/donate.asp?giveto=partFund
***Full Name: Amanda Lee Larsen
***Program: Real Life

Questions? Email me at alarsen07@yahoo.com

passionate?

2009-03-28T21:02:00.000-05:00

Passion remakes a person into someone better. It guides them towards the desires God has given them or the lifestyle God has called them to. For me- it's Africa; it's orphans; it's human trafficking; it's missionary; it's Christ; it's culture; it's LOVE; it's uncomfortable; it's challenging; and it's just plain hard; it's seeing hope; it's stretching myself; it's potential; it's future. And yes, I still want it anyways.

Yes, I have redone my blog site- if you have been on it before, it is quite different. I am always inspired again and again and again.

It's those other desires that are even pushed out of the way for a passion to be used. For example marriage. I'm pretty sure every woman wants to marry in her lifetime, maybe start a family. Yet, I keep holding onto the completeness of Christ. The contentment in Him alone is what I strive for. Some times I don't even care if I won't get married or be called to stay single. I have one GIGANTIC passion and that is Africa. I just can't even explain it. I could try to explain it in words, but it wouldn't be good enough because only the heart can express true passion. Obsessed is the wrong word so don't even use that. God is just working His way through my heart and showing me what He wants for His Kingdom. What shall thee do for you?...is my question to you Heavenly Father. Don't get me wrong---being single is tough at times. Yet, there is so much freedom and we have a big calling in singleness because we can do so much more for our SAVIOR! Awesome, huh?

...Now think of your passion. Does it glorify God? Has it kept coming back into your heart for years and years?

...Now follow it...

News

2009-03-22T22:02:00.000-05:00

WOW! I can't believe we only have 6 weeks of school left...that is incredibly exciting. Yet, there is SO MUCH TO DO! Finals will definitely be hard...so I am not looking forward to that, but soon after we are done with school, like within weeks literally, I will be off to Africa! Wow, I can't believe I'm actually going! Jesus- this was my dream from years ago...and now you're taking me and leading the way! I am so honored and pleased to be loved by such an incredible God. A God who cares for all the personal matters on each of us besides everything horrible going on in the world. How amazing! I just want to SCREAM for joy! :)

Since I counted last, its about 57 days till my financial support is 100% due in my account with AIM. Yikes! But, all I need is $800 to cover that...and if i'm super blessed, maybe i will receive enough to pay for my Atlanta ticket and vaccines. That would be amazing if I could, since my parents paid out of pocket for those :S. My family is amazing, for those of you who don't know them! Again, God has everything in the world and can do ANYTHING! I trust He will provide everything I need for packing as well as being "heart-prepared".

Off to studying...

//New Earrings//

2009-03-16T14:33:00.000-05:00

...:::health:::...

2009-02-22T23:03:00.000-06:00

Its amazing how God can use other people to bring back desires you thought He had taken away. Or maybe He put them to the side because you weren't ready to go that direction yet. It is quite something.

It is quite amazing how old dreams stay with you, follow you, and catch up with you. It is amazing how you thought you were going the right direction, then you switched lanes, yet you are still on the same road. It is quite something.

I'm still so passionate about medicine. I still want to be involved in health work overseas. Maybe nursing wasn't the answer "then". Maybe it won't be the answer ever. Maybe God has something completely different. Public Health has intrigued me for quite a while, yet I want to be the one giving the shots. Whatever you have in mind God, lead me that way.

Mali

2009-02-13T13:10:00.000-06:00

Wow- I've had a mix of emotions the past day or so. The 2009 Edge Mali Team just left this morning around 8am. They will fly into Paris on Valentine's Day!! What a day! They are going to have such an amazing experience full of challenges, triumphs, difficulties, and joys. They are going to come back as changed people in everything they do--their perspective on life is going to be changed dramatically. One of the team members was on our hall last semester and I've gotten to know her just because of our same passions and interests. She was very nervous last night and even felt kind of sick last night but I think it was all in her head. I can't imagine what it will feel like next year at this time for me to be leaving. Two suitcases for 6 months. It's a long time, but yet not really when compared to your whole life time. I keep thinking about this and I just can't imagine what it will be like and wish I could watch them and see their faces as they experience new things culturally in Mali.

I am excited and wished I could have gone with them--but a the same time I know I am not prepared yet. Our fall semester will be the preparation for Mali- learning French, about relationships and the culture and much much more. Our team will become quite close because of our dependence upon each other. We will have a couple meetings and a weekend retreat this semester already and then over summer we are supposed to start our support ($7500; I know, right?!). It looks like we have a great team though. God is really going to use this team and us as well when He has made us ready and equipped us for the challenges.

I am heading to Swaziland this summer so even though they are on opposite sides of the continent of Africa, I will be prepared somewhat in what to expect. Mali is Muslim, while Swaziland is more Christianity with everything else mixed in with it (kinda different). My support has been slow the last month 1/2 but God is good and gracious and I know He wants me there because He told me heart already. It is going to be amazing and all so tough at the same time.

Injustice.Compassion.Challenge.Jesus.Smiles.Orphans.
Love.Cry.NotFair.Joy.Relationship.Friendship.Difficult.
Pain.Gospel.Nation.Culture.Pray.Accept.Unconditional.

Just One

2009-02-05T18:27:00.000-06:00

"It would be worth my whole life if I could just reach one for you, Lord" -Jackie Pullenger

The Sacred Claim

2009-01-31T10:32:00.000-06:00

Check this Video out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MX1iDtsAMHE

The Wife of Noble Character

2009-01-16T17:20:00.000-06:00

A wife of noble character who can find?

She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her

And lacks nothing of value.

She brings him good, not harm,

All the days of her life.

She selects wool and flax

And works with eager hands.

She is like the merchant ships,

Bringing her food from afar.

She gets up while it is still dark;

She provides food for her family

And portions for her servant girls.

She considers a field and buys it;

Out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

She sets about her work vigorously;

Her arms are strong for her tasks.

She sees that her trading is profitable,

And her lamp does not go out at night.

In her hand she holds the distaff

And grasps the spindle with her fingers.

She opens her arms to the poor

And extends her hands to the needy.

When it snows, she has no fear for her household;

For all of them are clothed in scarlet.

She makes coverings for her bed;

She is clothed in fine linen and purple.

Her husband is respected at the city gate,

Where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

She makes linen garments and sells them,

And supplies the merchants with sashes.

She is clothed with strength and dignity;

She can laugh at the days to come.

She speaks with wisdom,

And faithful instruction is on her tongue.

She watches over the affairs of her household

And does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children arise and call her blessed;

Her husband also, and he praises her:

“Many women do noble things,

But you surpass them all.”

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;

But a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her the reward she has earned,

And let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

PROVERBS 31:10-31

favorites

2009-01-15T15:58:00.000-06:00

God intended us to carry his image to the world as women, through our feminine hearts, as women who are glorious, fierce, strong, tender, and beautiful.

In every fiber that makes up the fabric of our faith we are tempted to doubt God rather than believe that his heart is good, that his heart is for us.

Oswald Chambers

Don't let your mind become the 'devil's playground'.

If our hopes are being disappointed just now, it means that they are being purified. . .One of the greatest strains in life is the strain of waiting for God.

The meaning of prayer is that we get hold of God, not of the answer.

You will never cease to be the most amazed person on earth at what God has done for you on the inside.

It is the work that God does through us that counts, not what we do for Him.

The proof that we have the vision is that we are reaching out for more than we have grasped. It is a bad thing to be satisfied spiritually.

[a real woman]

2009-01-14T21:42:00.000-06:00

…is glad she’s a woman and rejoices in her femininity, expressing it through her attitude, appearance and bearing. (1 Timothy 2:9-10)

…does not wallow in self-pity or make a habit of voicing complaints, but radiates cheerfulness and joy. (Proverbs 15:15, Proverbs 17:22)

…appreciates her father’s protection, and respects and submits to his authority. In so doing, she is preparing herself to exercise the Biblical role in her relationship with a possible future husband. (Ephesians 5:33-6:3, 1 Peter 3:1-2)

…is trustworthy and gains the respect of those around her. (Proverbs 31:11)

…restrains herself from listening to, or participating in gossip, but instead speaks with wisdom and discretion. (Proverbs 11:12-13, 22, 20:19, 3:11)

…encourages and builds up those around her instead of criticizing and tearing them down. (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Ephesians 4:29)

…seeks to make God her number one desire and the Lover of her soul, knowing that only He can fully satisfy. (Psalm 73:25, Psalm 63:1)

…uses her years of singleness to seek and serve God without distraction, and is content to leave the details of her future to Him. (Psalm 73:25, Philippians 4:11)

…does not relate to members of the opposite sex in a flirtatious or forward manner, but instead saves all her passion for her future husband. (Thessalonians 4:3-8, Proverbs 6:25, 1 Corinthians 7:1)

…holds her virginity before marriage sacred and will not compromise it for anything.(1 Timothy 5:22)

longing for more

2009-01-11T14:02:00.000-06:00

"My heart cries out for more than just enough...

to escape a fiery hell.
to be saved from God's wrath.
to call myself a Christian.
to manage my guilt.
to get a ticket to heaven.
to squeak through heaven's gate.

I long for more than just the bare minimum God has to offer.
I long for more than what the average Christian seems to settle for.

I long for everything God wants to give me."

...:::authenticity:::...

2009-01-09T21:21:00.000-06:00

After making many scrapbooking and crafty projects, I decided to take a bit of a turn and try something new. I've never made jewelry in my whole entire life, and looked at many pictures to get an idea of how jewelry is made- especially necklaces and earrings. So I would have to say that I did pretty well on my first necklace, pictured below. I know the wiring and loops aren't perfect...but what is the fun and vintage feel about a necklace being perfect? I think it is gorgeous though, and is definitely my style. I will keep practicing and learning new tricks while buying new stashes of beads, supplies, etc.

This is my new line from my.creations; introducing "authenticity".

{new products}

2009-01-06T14:43:00.001-06:00

Wooden blocks made from old wood scraps transformed into home decor.

[Old Hymnal pages; decoupage; glue; pearls; 3-D letters; sand paper]

[glue; scrapbooking paper; sand paper; decoupage; snow glitter; flowers; buttons; letters; yarn scraps]

[glue; 1907 music pages; vintage fabric; vintage buttons; gold and black chalk; pearls; decoupage; letters]

**All available @ http://amandalarsen7.etsy.com

...:::'he chooses, calls, and picks':::...

2009-01-05T14:05:00.000-06:00

"O Great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
Who looks past all of the things that others see
Those things that cause them to pass me by.
O Great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
Even when I am running from you
Even when I am hiding from you
Even when I dont want to be found.

O Great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
Who invites me into the work of eternity
after I have turned away yet again
Who comes to me after i have messed up yet again.
O Great God who chooses me
Even after i have chosen my will over yours.

I come knowing full well that I will still fun sometimes
Knowing in my heart of hearts that i am not
strong enough
or patient enough
or brave enough
or confident enough
to continue to go where you are leading
But knowing that-beyond all reason-
You are the great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
And right now, in this moment I lift my life to you in worship and in praise.

O Great God who chooses me
Who calls to me and picks me
Today I choose YOU."

///preparation///

2009-01-01T18:25:00.000-06:00

I'm going to Africa! Yet, it still feels like a faded dream in the future that will never get here. But as I have looked at my Christmas Break and everything else, time goes so fast. I've been thinking and pondering about what will all go on next summer and everything that I will get to experience. I've been getting to know my teammates more and more through our blogs which is really exciting and makes me feel so anxious to go! I really hope we all connect well. I would assume that because of what we're doing- the Lord's work, that we will become like sisters and brothers in a flash. And I hope and pray this is what happens.

As I have read all our expectations of what we want to happen as a result of this missions trip, I realize that we are all connected even though we are complete strangers. It fascinates me extraordinarily of how God prepares many hearts for one goal- one mission. It's absolutely amazing and it has completely taken over my mind. As for me, I want to be completely broken through all my pride and selfishness and rebuilt and made new through my teammates and the Swazi people. I hope God uses- wait, I know God will use us. I hope we will make a difference and make a big impact on each other.

It's even still really hard to explain myself of what I desire in such an experience. So if I dont make sense, give me a break! :D

blessing

2008-12-29T16:24:00.000-06:00

I love my family so much and wanted to share a couple great pictures. I am so thankful for such a great family and support system in my life. Thanks, Jesus.

...:::{He is great}:::...

2008-12-28T17:09:00.000-06:00

Take, me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking

Welcome to this heart of mine
I've buried under prideful vines
Grown to hide the mess I've made
Inside of me
Come decorate, Lord
Open up the creaking door
And walk upon the dusty floor
Scrape away the guilty stains
Until no sin or shame remain
Spread Your love upon the walls
And occupy the empty halls
Until the man I am has faded
No more doors are barricaded

Chorus:
Come inside this heart of mine
It's not my own
Make it home
Come and take this heart and make it
All Your own
Welcome home

Take a seat, pull up a chair
Forgive me for the disrepair
And the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
Gathered on my search for meaning
Every closet's filled with clutter
Messes yet to be discovered
I'm overwhelmed, I understand
I can't make this place all that You can

I took the space that You placed in me
Redecorated in shades of greed
And I made sure every door stayed locked
Every window blocked, and still You knocked

Take me, make me
All You want me to be
That's all I'm asking, all I'm asking

**This song came to my mind the other night suddenly. I knew I needed to listen to it because I couldn't remember how it actually went or what the lyrics were. It's written by Shaun Groves, "Welcome Home". The words are amazing and spoke to my heart in a deeper sense than I've ever gotten from this song before. I've been in real need of wanting God to heal me through a couple of my struggles that seem to creep up on me in the most ridiculous times. I've been learning that what is head knowledge and beliefs to me are sometimes only head knowledge and hasn't become completely a part of my heart yet. I was discussing this with a friend and I've realized this could be one of the hardest things we ever struggle with. And we know what we truly believe in our hearts compared to our heads because it'll show us through our trials, temptations, and tough challenges. What we truly believe will come out of us then. I know I have a lot of work to do- while I "let" God use His power inside of me as well. Like this song says "I took the space that You placed in me; Redecorated in shades of greed; And I made sure every door stayed locked; Every window blocked, and still You knocked." I think I have many of my windows shut and locked with maybe half a door open. Why isn't is so easy to open up everything and just let Jesus do what He came to do!?

I never thought of our "heart" as having halls, walls, doors, and windows. How many of our halls are empty? How many of the walls of security are standing up a little too strong? How many doors are open wide? Are our windows blocked?

It all makes sense! Come in a fill the halls with your presence. Occupy yourself in every room. Write yourself on the walls. Open up the doors with door stoppers- maybe nail them open!? Father, break the walls of shame, embarassment, pride, selfishness, and judgemental attitude DOWN. Instead, take over with your love, redemption and grace. Cover me with your peaceful Spirit and your calming presence. But the thing is that we can't do it on our own. We can't make it such a place that our Savior can. Only He can! That is what is so great about Him! If we try and fill our heart by ourselves, it will be full of mess and clutter and everything else of this world that has no eternal value or everlasting effect. It's time for a rennovation and a remodel...what do you say?

tough days

2008-12-27T20:50:00.000-06:00

I have to admit that I haven't had the greatest time on my break off from school. For one thing, I don't really have a job to keep me busy, but doing house work for a lady in town a couple hours a week. The rest of the time I am either watching movies, reading, scrapping, working on a friend's wedding album, playin' around on facebook and email, writing new blogs, etc., you get the idea. It has been tough to not have a specific and detailed schedule everyday. It makes me life almost chaotic.

What's been bugging me the most is that I know I've been lacking spiritually. Not giving God my time. Being selfish. Letting flesh take over my life. It's so much easier to keep an appointment with my Father when I am in school- sounds crazy, but it is. It's probably been one of the toughest 2 weeks I've been through in the last 6 months. I am so ready to go back to school and challenge my thoughts as well as beliefs. I am so ready to be with my friends again and be able to share my heart with them. I can kind of call my dorm room "home"...in a sense that I don't feel like i have a set "home" right now through college.

Yes it is nice to be lazy for a couple days, but boy it just gets SOO old after a couple of days.

Not only am I ready to go back to school, but because the sooner school starts the sooner I will be on my way to Africa! What an absolute dream come true.

I LOVE YOU JESUS!

...:::^perfect.love^:::...

2008-12-21T19:36:00.000-06:00

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone
To have a deep soul relationship with another
Be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says:
I want you to be satisfied, fulfilled, and content
With being loved by Me alone
With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me
With having an intensely personal and unique relationship
With Me alone.
Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found,
Will you be capable of the best human relationship
That I have planned for you.

I want you to be united with another after you are united with Me
Exclusive of anyone of anything else,
Exclusive of any other desires or longings.
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing
One that you cannot imagine
I want you to have the best
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching Me, trusting Me
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am.
Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait.
That's all.

Don't be anxious.
Don't worry.
Don't look around at the things
Others have gotten or that I've given them.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking off and up to Me,
Or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love
Far more wonderful than any you would dream of.
You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready,
(I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me.
And this is the Perfect Love.

And dear one, I want you to have the most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me,
And to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty,
perfection, and love
That I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly.
I am God.
Believe and be satisfied.

-author and original title unknown

...'thoughts'...

2008-12-07T20:04:00.000-06:00

When I started thinking about more opportunities to serve on a mission trip for next summer, I began looking into South Africa. You may ask 'Why?' I really don't know. The people, the culture, the land gives me a passion that is only from the One. I wanted to work there through another missions organization, but they didn't have a group going out there, and therefore decided I didn't want to fly by myself overseas with little experience flying. This was at the beginning of my new semester @ Grace and I didn't have too many strong friendships yet. I began talking to my cousin's friend who had served in Jeffery's Bay, South Africa for a month through Adventures in Missions. I searched the site for upcoming mission trips next summer: Kenya and Swaziland were available. I honestly had never even heard of Swaziland and began talking about it with Michenzie, Emily's friend. "I want the whole experience", I told her. "I want the cold showers, sleeping on the floors, eating rice for every meal of the day..." I hear about others sleeping in tents for a good 9 months out of the year living like this: testing their faith, relying on the Lord, being dependent on everything God has given them, etc. I want that. It's been my sole desire for quite some time. When will it be my turn to serve the most High in Africa, where people are desperate for hope and something with purpose; where people are drenched in their habitual sin and making the devil smile with laughter. They need us. They need God. They need God through us. My one goal in life is to touch people's lives; I want God to touch their lives through me; I want God to further His Kingdom and save lives, as He desires to, through me, His servant.

I don't know if I'm ready for Swaziland. It still feels like a dream. A small planning of a trip clear ahead in the distance that really isn't going to happen. I'm going to AFRICA! What is amazing is that I haven't found real confirmation/assurance from God Himself that He wants to send me there...until now. I have been raising support for probably not quite 2 months and I am almost half way to my goal. JESUS YOU'RE INCREDIBLE! How does He do it? Why does He bless us so unexpectedly and patiently. I am just so shocked, and more amazed each and every day. I felt God pick me up and hold me in His arms today during the service. It was communion; the piano was played; I was in conversation with my Father; I felt His arms holding me up telling me how much He loves me.

You might ask what am I most afraid about? The suffering. The dying AIDS-victims. Seeing them hold onto their life with no medical help (hardly), and little, if any, people to love and care for them. How am I going to make it through such an experience/sight? This was my original dream, as a nurse of course. Now, I can't imagine I will be amidst this.

...::...More thoughts to come...::...

WINTER:::FORMAL

2008-11-25T22:42:00.001-06:00

Michenzie

Amandas (3) & Ari

Mandy & Lisa

Emily (cousins)

Small Tips

2008-11-23T22:04:00.000-06:00

It's been tough lately. My support started out strong, I was checking my account everyday and it seemed like it kept rising for a couple weeks. Then I was soo excited! So what happened now? When it's not rolling in week by week, do I just get discouraged and lose my faith? Sometimes I think so. But I've told and I've conversed with God time and time again, "I am giving this all to you. I can't raise $5,000 by myself and you know that. You have all the money in the world because it belongs to you. I'm letting you worry about bringing in the support, while I keep living my life through you. I trust you and I put my whole dependence on you. It is not even an option to worry about this". God said "Let me do this for you". Now that the percentage of support has stayed at the same spot for a couple weeks, is when I've been doubting everything again. The enemy definitely got a hold of my thoughts at that time- but like I learned from my mentor; "bring it on Satan!". Tell the devil to bring it on- do what you think you can do to make me reject God and I will SHOW YOU I BELONG TO HIM because He is faithful. It has been on my mind for a week now- all I care about is what God thinks and how strongly I can stand up for Him.

So my next piece of advice. Where else can I look to make small amounts of money for my missions trip. Another girl who will be going with me to Swaziland has used the smallest way to collect cans and recycle them for a small profit- yes it is so small because you get paid by the pound and pop cans are soo light! But, it helps. I'm still looking around for craft shows for the spring time...I don't know if anymore will come up before May, but I'm sure praying there will be some. I made $350 at my last show, which actually disappointed me a bit. God had a good reason for that though. I'm trusting YOU will bring me through again, Father. What other small ways can I bring support about. My etsy shop has been soo slow, and i've been working on making it more attractive- it's not easy though because there are SOOO many sellers on etsy. Spend $ before you receive, is the philosophy statement I guess.

rich

2008-11-09T23:38:00.000-06:00

We are rich.
No matter what you think about how much money you make or all the material things you think you don't have. We are rich.
Most of the world is made up of adults and children living in dirt homes, living in the streets, going from homeless shelter to homeless shelter.
We are rich.
We have clothes on our backs, we have 3 meals a day, we have a roof over our heads, we have beds to sleep in, we have showers to clean up in, we have our own computers-phones-mp3 players-books-decorations-makeup-hair products-stuff that we could live without, but have, unlike most of the world.
We are rich.
We aren't worrying about whether we will get another meal today. We aren't desperate for food and water so badly that we drink out of the sewar. We aren't freezing during the winter while sleeping outside all curled up. We aren't just getting by day to day. We aren't hoping we will get a coat donated to us before the winter hits.
We are rich.
We have so much. We don't even realize how truly blessed we are. We are healthy (most of the time), we get checkups, dentist appointments, we go shopping wanting more and more, we look for bigger and better things, these things consume us as though we are worshiping another god. We have hope, we have joy, we are not thankful for all the things God has given us. We act as though nothing is wrong in this world. Everything is okay, as long as I don't turn up like that man.
We are rich.
We don't even take one look at a homeless person and wonder what their story is. How did they get to living out on the streets? We pass them by...Some of most poor, broken-hearted, hurt, destitute, etc people in this world are actually in God's favor even though we are all loved equally. Jesus says to feed the hungry. Jesus gave his time after time after time to those who have nothing and are at the pit-bottom of their lives.
We are so rich.

"I love you Lord; break me and take me to the deepest places on this earth who need to know what you have done for them. And I will open up my heart, search me in the deepest part; by you, I'm purified"

craftshow.madness

2008-11-02T16:06:00.001-06:00

This is what getting ready for a craft show looks like. So much planning and putting stuff together as well as deciding what price seems accurate!
Check it out!

10-15 picture frames Over 20 varied boxes

Miscellaneous CHEAP items

Flowers, Fowers n' Dots, Varied Cards

Clothes-pin Clips: Magnet or not magnet
Over 120!!

Over 25 Large Flowers and more to come!

A little bit of everything including notebooks!

First Craft Show Planning!

2008-10-29T23:58:00.001-05:00

Wow, I'm so excited yet so boggled down (is that a word?) with all the planning and things I need to do for my craft show!

Make signs
Put prices on items
Get creative!
Get extra money/change
Table cloths
Boxes
Make more products in 3 weeks
Set up an imitation table
Make a "my.creations" sign
MORE!!!!

I think this will be so much fun though. With all the work and time and LOVE I've put into these items, which I absolutely love doing, I am so pleased and excited and thankful for such an opportunity like this one. I even had this craft show planned before my missions trip opportunity came up. And look where its taking me....God will provide and support me through this as well! I'm so excited for everything I'm looking forward to coming up soon!

.......:::::'hear your heart beat':::::.....

2008-10-15T21:05:00.000-05:00

"The more I seek you,
The more I find you
The more I find you,
the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand
Lay back against you and breath, hear your heart beat

This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand

I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming"

I was listening to this song tonight by Kari Jobe. She leads worship down in this huge church in Texas but also does a little bit of traveling with her band. She is amazing. All her songs are so soft and intimate and the words always hit me deeply.
As I was pondering this song I had remembered something my mentor had told me. I explained that most of the time I wonder how can God possibly be that dedicated to me and each one of us when He has 6 billion people in the world to take care of. For some reason I can't seem to understand the fact that He thinks about us MORE than the grains of sand combined. How precious and amazing! But when I mentioned that, she told me something I had never heard before. Something that made me view my personal, eternal, intimate relationship with Jesus on a whole new level. She said "He waits for your phone call. He waits for you to call on Him and to talk to Him just as we wait for a boy on earth to call us. When He answers that phone and sees our name on the caller-id, His heart flutters and beats faster and faster. He gets nervous. He says with excitement 'Oh my, it's my precious daughter calling me'. He waits for that and cherishes it." Think of it as a guy who you have a crush on or want to notice you. You wait for that phone call or for that instant moment of communication with him/her. You become so excited and nervous, your hands sweat, your heart beats crazily.

Except with Jesus and God the Father, it is true love. Can you just picture Him picking up the phone, saying your name out loud and has been waiting for you to call Him.

Now its our turn. Pick up the phone and call Him. Dial Him 24/7.

...life...

2008-10-10T01:52:00.000-05:00

Life is complicated. We are blessed and we struggle. We love and we feel jealousy. I hate how I always think I'm becoming stronger through Christ in myself, but then it comes out to mean "I think I'm better than everyone else". Which I know is not true. It's so hard to not to judge people, but just to love them despite their faults.

I've been blessed so many times this year, and yet my friends are hurting, and it hurts me so much because all I want to do is help them. I have been blessed through christian friendships- the real deal. Those who support me and lift me up when I'm struggling. Those who love me for who I am in Christ. Those who pray with me and praise God for the amazing things He does in our lives each and everyday throughout all the students here on campus. I have been blessed with an AMAZING opportunity to serve the Swazi people next summer. Something I have always dreamed of, now God I'm relying on you to make it happen.

Ever since I've started college, 1 1/2 yrs ago, I have noticed an empty feeling inside of myself. Those who read this probably know me well, because most don't even know I have a blog (ha). Well, anyways, so I grew up without a father (and brother passed away as well), something that grows deeper everytime i hear one of my friends talk about their dad and how they miss him and always sit on his lap and just talk. Alot of students here are close to their fathers. Now, I do have a father-figure in my life right now. But I didn't for around 8 years, which is probably when I needed one the most. This is why I feel like something is missing. Is it me or is it the fact that because I didn't grow up with a father, I missed out on that connection we're supposed to have with the opposite sex. I'm not talking about dating; I'm talking about everyday conversations and friendships. Why exactly it is this way? I'm not sure at all...I have been searching and seeking for an answer but have not found one. So, guys, bare with me. Don't get me wrong though, I have a wonderful step-father who supports my family in every way possible and I am so grateful for him in our life, but if he would have been there when I was five, maybe things would have turned out differently. Yet, isn't that questioning God's will? God's plan? His reason, His perfect time, His perfect ways?

Wow, I can't believe I just shared all this out loud on my blog for everybody to see.

Well, for now, I should probably head to bed.

///swazi///

2008-10-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

So I had my interview today. It went so well I was so full of joy because God gave me the words to speak and to show my passion through my words to the interviewer. I was so very pleased. And I was told right over the phone that I was accepted into AIM and onto the team to Swazi. Wow. I cannot even believe this! Now, I need to just keep constantly praying for support. Doubts run across my mind ever so often, but I'm keeping them out as best as I can. God has been providing in the smallest ways through my crafts, and I know He will help me in the days and months to come! If you read this, please keep praying for me.